v' 

I 

t*y  .  • 


ILLUSTRATED 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTE 


V'- 


UNSIGNED  TO  SHOW 


aS 


•  ■••Mi  SAFETY  OF  TOTAL  ABS^INENCI 


.  • ,  THE  DANGERS  OF  MODERATE  DRINKING,  j 

'!■'  >  •*  .«  ”  v' 


7 

<•'  /  '  •  •  .  • 

{V  > TjJ E  *  E  V I L  S  0  F  DRUNKENNESS. 


V?  t;  ''With  TWENTY4SIX  ENGRAVINGS  by  Horton. 


\  . 


;V- 


NEW- YORK: 


*  OLIVER  &  BROTHER,  PRINTERS  AND  PUBLISHERS, 

#  *  \  • 

,  CORNER  OF  NASSAU  AND  FULTON -STREETS, 

1  8  48. 


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TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


“  There  Goes  a  Teetotaler.” 


A  drunkard  assailed  a  Washingtonian,  but  could  only 
say,  u  There  goes  a  teetotaler !”  The  gentleman  waited 
until  the  crowd  had  collected,  and  then,  turning  upon 
the  drunkard,  said,  “  There  stands  a  drunkard  ! — Three  ' 
years  ago  he  had  a  watch,  a  coat,  shoes,  and  decent 
clothes;  now  he  has  nothing  but  rags  upon  him,  his 
watch  is  gone,  and  his  shoes  afford  free  passage  to  the 
water.  There  stands  a  drunkard ;  and  here  stands  a 
teetotaler,  with  a  good  hat,  good  shoes,  good  clothes, 
and  a  good  watch,  eil  paid  for.  Yes,  here  stands  a  tee¬ 
totaler  !  And  now,  my  friends,  which  has  the  best  of 
it  V1  The  bystanders  testified  their  approval  of  the  tee-  f 
totaler  by  loud  shouts,  while  the  crest  fallen  drunkard 
slunk  away,  happy  to  escape  further  castigation.  / 


/ 

/ 


4 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


*'  Temperance  In  a  King. 

Our  total  abstinence  friends  are  not,  perhaps,  generally 
aware,  that  Charles  XII.,  “  the  mad  King  of  Sweden,” 
as  he'was  called  by  some  of  his  contemporaries,  was  a 
.  pledged  man,  if  not  a  member  of  a  teetotal  society.  The 
anecdote  on  which  this  statement  is  founded  is  given  in 
M.  de  Bury’s  “  Essai  Historique  et  Moral  sur  l1  Educa¬ 
tion  Fran5aise  ”  Charles,  as  every  body  knows,  in  the 
commencement  of  his  career,  drank  to  great  excess.  In 
one  of  his  drunken  bouts  he  so  far  overstepped  the  limits 
of  propriety  as  to  treat  the  Queen,  his  mother,  with 
great  disrespect.  The  next  day,  on  being  informed  of  his 
rudeness,  he  took  a  glass  of  wine  in  his  hand,  and  re¬ 
paired  to  the  Queen’s  room.  “  Madam,”  said  he  to  her, 
^V^'have  learned  that  yesterday,  in  my  cups,  I  forgot 
myself  towards  you.  I  come  to  ask  your  pardon — and, 
to  prevent  recurrence  of  such  a  fault,  I  drink  this  glass 
to  your  health  ;  it  shall  be  the  last  during  my  life.”  He 
kept  his  word,  and  from  that  day  never  tasted  wine. 
We  may  add,  by  way  of  recommendation  to  the  habit, 
that  in  his  subsequent  life  no  King  was  ever  known  to 
hav^  undergone  greater  hardships  and  enjoyed  better 
health  than  this  cold  water  monarch. 


I  Treating  Resolution. 

A  regular  hardened  case  of  a  drunkard,  by  the  solici¬ 
tation  and  importunity  of  his  friends,  once  formed  a  re¬ 
solution  that  he  would  pass  by  a  certain  tavern  on  his 
way,  without  allowing  “John  Barleycorn”  to  get  the 
upper  hand  of  him.  On  one  occasion  he  was  fully  re¬ 
solved  to  put  his  resolution  to  the  test,  and  accordingly 
passed  by  the  tavern  without  calling ;  but  when  he  had 
proceeded  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile,  he  stood  still  and 
addressed  himself  as  follows  :  u  Well  done,  resolution,  I 
never  thought  that  you  could  act  such  a  manly  part ; 
come  away  back  now  and  I  will  give  you  an  extra  gill 
lor  that.”  Suffice  to  say,  he  returned  to  John  Barley- 

Ws  and  got  drunk  on  account  of  his  noble  resolution. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES, 


5 


A  Short  Argument. 

A  gentleman  was  railing,  a  few  days  since,  at  a  public 
table,  against  the  law  of  Massachusetts,  as  depriving 
men  of  their  natural  rights  to  buy  and  sell  and  get  gain  ; 
and  turning  to  his  neighbor,  asked  him  if  he  did  not 
think  it  high  handed  oppression.  The  gentleman  re¬ 
plied.  u  Sir,  call  it  oppression  if  you  please,  I  will  state 
one  fact  well  known  to  myself.  A  tax  bill  was  recently 
brought  me  on  my  city  property  of  $800,  for  which  1 
gave  my  check.  I  carefully  looked  into  the  subject,  and 
found  that  $650  of  it  was  for  the  support  of  drunkenness. 
Now  what  is  this  but  oppression?  But  I  suppose  that 
I  have  no  rights.  Rumsellers  have  all.  They  may  tax 
me  to  support  criminals  and  drunkards  they  make,  $650, 
and  I  must  be  still.”  “  Sir,”  said  the  gentleman,  u  Mas¬ 
sachusetts  is  right.  It  is  the  best  argument  I  ever  heard. 
It  has  overthrown  all  my  theory  about  free  trade.  I 
will  say  no  more,  but  go  the  whole  with  you.” 


A  Rumselier’s  Modesty. 

The  landlord  of  a  Hartford  hotel  made  a  request  ul 
one  of  our  city  watchmen,  which  brings  to  light  an  in-\ 
teresting  trait  in  the  character  of  the  amiable  fraternity, 
which  had  hitherto  escaped  our  notice,  viz.  Modesty  ! 
The  request  was  that  the  watchman  would  furnish  him 
with  a  key  to  the  lock-up  house,  so  that  as  fast  as  his 
customers  became  intoxicated,  he  might,  without  calling 
the  assistance  of  the  watchman,  bestow  them  in  a  safe 
place,  and  thereby  save  himself  and  the  police  much 
trouble,  and  at  the  same  time  prevent  the  necessity  of  his 
appearing  in  the  presence  of  the  civil  authorities. 


Tile  Worm  That  Never  Dies. 

44 What  do  you  think  of  whiskey,  Dr.  Johnson?”  / 
hiccupped  Boswell,  after  emptying  a  sixth  tumbler  of 
toddy.  “ Sir,”  said  the  Doctor,  “it  penetrates  my  very 
soul  like  the  small  still  voice  of  conscience,  and  doubt¬ 
less  the  worm  of  the  still  is  the  worm  that  never  dies.” 


6  TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


What’s  the  matter,  Joseph  ?”  said  a  rumselling 
deacon  to  his  little  son,  one  morning.  “  What  makes 
you  look  so  low  spirited,  my  son  V1 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


7 


“Why  father”  replied  the  son,  in  a  melancholy  air, 
“  I  had  a  dream  about  you  last  night,  which  makes  me 
feel  very  bad.” 

“  A  dream  !  Nonsense,  my  child.  But  what  was  it 
The  boy  was  reluctant  to  answer,  but  at  length  said — 
“  Why  father,  I  dreamt  that  drunken  Peter,  after  he 
bought  the  jug  of  rum  from  you  the  other  day,  went 
home  and  beat  his  wife  and  children,  and  turned  them 
all  out  of  doors  in  the  cold.  And  when  he  came  last 
night  for  another  jug,  as  you  was  drawing  it  from  the 
cask,  the  Devil  entered  the  store,  walked  behind  the 
counter,  and  tapping  you  on  the  shoulder,  said  in  great 
delight,  “  Ah,  ha !  you’re  the  Deacon  for  me  !” 


Dirty  Work. 

We  heard,  the  other  day,  of  an  instance  where  a  rum- 
seller  endeavored,  by  all  the  arts  of  which  he  was  pos¬ 
sessed,  to  induce  a  little  girl,  about  three  years  of  age, 
to  drink  a  wine-glass  of  spirits.  The  little  teetotaler 
sternly  refused,  however,  saying,  “  Ma  told  me  that  I 
must  never  touch  that  stuff  you  keep  in  bottles  uj  there, 
because  it  was  that  which  made  Pa  so  cross  sometimes.'7™ 
May  that  sainted  mother  be  enabled  to  so  impress  up^ 
all  her  children  the  importance  of  abstaining  from  that/ 
which  is  destroying  their  father,  that  they  will  pass/ 
through  the  world  personally  ignorant  of  its  blasting, 
influences.  I 


Honor  the  Same  Everywhere. 

A  son  of  the  Emerald  Isle,  who  arrived  at  New  York 
the  other  day,  was  asked  by  an  acquaintance  to  take  a 
glass  of  grog,  but  declined,  giving  as  a  reason  for  his  re¬ 
fusal,  that  he  had  joined  the  temperance  society  in  Cork 
before  leaving  Ireland.  His  friend  replied  that  was  no 
consequence,  as  a  pledge  given  in  Ireland  was  not  bind¬ 
ing  here.  To  this  piece  of  left-handed  morality,  Patrick 
indignantly  retorted— “  Do  ye  suppose  whin  I  brought 
me  body  to  America,  I’d  be  afthur  laving  me  sowl  in 
Ireland  V ’ 


A  poor  fellow  who  had  become  a  drunkard,  went  into 
.a  grog  shop  to  get  his  “  bitters.”  He  had  no  money, 
and  so  the  landlord  ordered  him  off.  Not  moving  so 
quickly  as  the  unfeeling  rumseller  desired,  he  was  taken 
roughly  by  the-  collar,  and  pushed  into  the  street.  He 
fell  heavily,  his  head  striking  the  pavement  with  such 
force  as  to  render  him  insensible.  As  he  lay  there  a 
Washingtonian,  a  reformed  man,  came  along,  raised  up 
the  unfortunate  fellow,  and  endeavored  to  comfort  him. 
The  poor  drunkard  was  overpowered  by  such  kindness. 
The  Washingtonian  took  him  to  his  own  house,  had  the 
poor  man’s  wound  dressed,  and  in  the  evening  accom¬ 
panied  him  to  a  temperance  meeting,  where  he  signed  the 
pledge.  He  is  nowT  a  thoroughly  reformed  man,  and  is 
living  happily  with  his  family.  Such  is  the  power  of 
'  kindness  and  the  pledge. 


’  TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES.  9 

Can’t  Do  It. 

A  story  is  related  of  a  Son  of  Temperance  who  dined 
with  an  influential  friend.  The  host  pouring  out  a  glass 
of  wine,  desired  the  Son  to  drink  with  him ;  whereupon 
he  replied : 

“  Can’t  do  it,  1  wine  is  a  mocker.’  ” 

u  Take  a  glass  of  brandy,  then.” 

“  Can’t  do  it,  ‘  strong  drink  is  raging.’  ”  . 

By  this  time  the  friend  becoming  somewhat  restive 
and  excited,  remarked  : 

“  You’ll  pass  the  decanter  to  the  gentleman  next  to 
you  ?” 

“  No,  I  can’t  do  that :  1  wo  unto  him  that  putteth  the 
bottle  to  his  neighbor’s  mouth.’  ” 

What  was  the  peculiar  mental  condition  or  moral 
state  of  the  gentleman,  at  this  stage  of  the  proceedings, 
the  deponent  saith  not.  * 


Cost  of  Paint. 

Some  years  ago  there  lived  in  Berkshire  county, 
Mass.,  two  physicians  of  considerable  skill  and  emi¬ 
nence.  One  of  them  used  no  spirituous  liquor — the' 
other  drank  freely ;  and  while  the  one  had  acquired  \ 
considerable  property,  the  other  remained  poor.  Meet-  N 
ing  each  other  one  day,  when  the  former  was  returning 
from  a  distant  town  wifh  a  richly  painted  and  well-made 
carriage,  the  latter  accosted  him:  “  Doctor,  how  do  you 
manage  to  ride  in  a  carriage  painted  in  so  costly  a  man¬ 
ner  ?  I  have  been  in  practice  as  long  and  extensively 
as  you,  and  charge  as  much,  but  I  can’t  hardly  live  and 
drive  the  old  one.”  “  The  paint  on  my  carriage,”  he 
replied,  “  didn’t  cost  half  as  much  as  the  paint  on  your 
face” 


Rattier  Equivocal. 

A  young  fellow  having  been  charged  with  getting 
drunk  the  night  before,  and  wishing  to  justify  himself, 
declared  he  never  was  drunk,  nor  never  meant  to  be,  for 
it  always  made  him  feel  so  bad  the  next  morning. 


10 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES 


“Not  a  Drop  More.” 

During  a 
heavy  fall  of 
.  rain,  a  fellow 
who  had  tak¬ 
en  a  drop  too 
much,  hap¬ 
pened  to  de¬ 
posit  himself 
under  a  water 
spout.  He 
thus  lying  a- 
lone  in  his 
glory,  ever 
and  anon,  ex¬ 
claimed  as  the 
pigs  snorted 
around  him, 

—  “  Not  a 
drop  MORE, 

»  -XL*>NTLEMEN  ) 

NOT  A  DROP  MORE.” 


Tlie  Ruling  Passion. 

Two  of  the  clergymen  of  Philadelphia,  stated  in  their 
respective  churches  during  service,  that  in  Southwark  a 
poor  woman  lost  her  child.  Her  kind  neighbors  pro¬ 
cured  a  decent  coffin  and  shroud,  and  had  the  child  pre¬ 
pared  for  interment;  but  they  had  no  sooner  left  the 
house,  than  the  mother  removed  the  chlid  from  the 
coffin,  disrobed  it  of  the  shroud,  and  then  went  out  and 
pawned  both  articles  for  rum ! 


Sam  Slick’s  Sensible  Observation. 

Sam  Slick  says,  “Whenever  a  feller  is  too  lazy  to 
work,  he  gets  a  license,  sticks  his  name  over  the  door, 
calls  it  a  tavern,  and  nine  chances  to  ten  but  he  makes  the 
whole  neighborhood  as  lazy  and  worthless  as  himself.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


11 


Two  Children  Burned  to  Death. 

Two  little  children  of  a  man  named  Hummer,  one  aged 
two  and  the  other  four  years,  were  burned  to  death  neaf\ 
the  Bethlehem  Baptist  church,  on  Friday  of  last  week, 
under  circumstances  almost  too  revolting  for  belief.  > 
The  parents  were  breaking  flax  in  a  barn  or  hovel,  and 
were  using  the  stove  at  the  house,  some  fifty  or  one 
hundred  yards  distant,  for  the  purpose  of  drying  the  flax, 
previous  to  breaking  it.  They  had  a  jug  of  liquor, 
where  they  were  at  work,  which,  it  would  seem,  enlisted 
far  more  of  their  attention  than  their  little  children,  who 
were  left  alone  at  the  house.  While  they  were  worship¬ 
ing  Bacchus,  the  flax  they  had  left  on  the  stove  took 
fire,  and  rapidly  communicating  to  the  floor  above,  soon 
wrapped  the  building  in  flames ;  yet  notwithstanding 
the  parents  were  but  a  few  yards  distant,  they  knew 
nothing  of  it,  until  after  some  of  the  neighbors  had  ar¬ 
rived.  The  remaining  details  of  this  heart-sickening 
tragedy,  as  related  to  us,  we  hope,  for  the  honor  of 
human  nature,  are  untrue.  After  one  of  the  children 
was  found  dead — its  brains  yet  frying — the  unnatural 

father  and  yet  more  unnatural  mother,  returned  to  the _ _ 

barn  to  take  another  drink !  before  the  whereabouts  of  ,  I 
the  other  unfortunate  had  been  ascertained.  The  other 
was  soon  after  found,  by  some  of  the  neighbors,  horribly 
burned,  and  in  the  last  agonies  of  death.  It  lingered  for 
a  short  time,  and  then  its  little  spirit  took  its  flight  to  a 
kinder  father  and  a  happier  home. 


Had  Enough  of  It. 

Not  long  since  one  who  had,  previous  to  his  signing 
the  pledge,  been  a  hard  drinker,  was  taken  very  sick, 
and  for  a  time  was  unable  to  speak.  His  friends  wish¬ 
ing  to  stimulate  him,  offered  some  liquor.  He  could  not 
speak,  but  shook  his  head,  and  continued  to  as  often  as 
it  was  offered  him.  When  he  recovered,  he  requested 
his  friends  not  to  offer  him  liquor  unless  they  wanted  to 
hurt  his  feelings,  “  Especially,”  said  he,  “  when  I  am 
sick  don’t  give  it  to  me, — it  nearly  killed  me  when  I  was 
well.” 


12  temperance  anecdotes. 


Tlie  Drunkard’s  Children. 


drunkard  whose  wife  had  been  dead  a  few  months, 
went  away  and  left  his  little  son  and  daughter  with  an 
unfeeling  woman  who  treated  them  very  cruelly.  One 
day,  about  three  months  after  the  father  went  away,  she 
came  into  the  room  where  Alice  sat  mending  her  brother’s 
clothes,  and  said  to  her  abruptly — 

“  See  here,  girl !  Do  you  know  where  your  father 
has  gone  T” 

“No  ma’am,”  replied  Alice  in  a  low  voice,  and  with 
a  half-frightened  manner. 

“  Didn’t  he  tell  you  where  he  was  going  V ’  nmm 

“  No  ma’am.” 

11  It’s  very  strange.  Well,  I  can  tell  you  what, — I 
don’t  believe  he  means  to  come  back  at  all.  I  believe 
he  has  just  left  you  on  my  hands,  and  that  the  money 
he  gave  me  when  he  went  away  is  every  dollar  I  shall 
see.  But  I  will  not  be  imposed  upon  in  that  way.  Not 
I !  So,  my  little  miss,  I  will  just  tell  you  what  you’ve 
got  to  depend  upon.  If  I  don’t  hear  from  your  father  in 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


13 


two  weeks,  I  will  not  give  you  house  room  for  another 
day.  I  believe  you  knew  as  well  as  he  did,  that  it  was 
all  a  trick  to  get  you  pushed  off  upon  me.  But  it  won’t 
do.  Polly  Walton  is  too  old  for  that.  So,  take  my  ad¬ 
vice,  and  look  out  for  another  home  at  once,  for  you 
can’t  stay  here  but  a  little  while  longer.  I’ve  said  it, 
and  I  mean  it !” 

A  short  time  after  the  little  boy  was  sent  to  the  alms 
house,  and  the  little  girl  put  out  to  service  with  a  woman 
who  treated  her  very  ill.  Thus  it  is  with  the  poor 
drunkard’s  children.  The  pledge,  however,  will  lead  a 
man  to  provide  for  his  little  ones  in  a  happy  home. 


Office  Holders  ought  not  to  be  Rum  Drinkers. 

Thomas  Jefferson  remarked,  after  he  had  retired  from 
the  Presidency,  that  the  habit  of  using  ardent  spirits  by 
men  in  public  offices,  had  occasioned  more  trouble  and 
more  injury  to  the  public  service  than  any  other  circum¬ 
stance  during  his  administration.  “  And  were  I  to  act 
my  public  life  over  again,”  said  Mr.  Jefferson,  “  the 
first  question  I  would  ask,  with  regard  to  every  candi¬ 
date  for  office,  should  be,  Is  he  addicted  to  the  use  of  ^ 
dent  spirits  ?”  h 


Half  HI -lit. 

When  Lord  Morpeth  was  in  this  country  a  few  years 
since,  he  chanced  to  be  at  a  dinner  table  in  New  York, 
in  company  with  Mr.  Frelinghuysen.  He  filled  his 
glass,  and  asked  Mr.  F.  to  allow  him  the  pleasure  of 
taking  wine  with  him,  who  politely  declined  the  honor, 
remarking  that  he  had  abandoned  its  use.  “  You  are 
more  than  half  right,  sir,”  replied  Lord  M.  His  lordship 
afterwards  commenced  pouring  water  into  his  glass  with 
the  wine,  drinking  about  half-and-half.  “  I  see,  my  lord,” 
said  Mr.  Frelinghuysen,  “that  you  ar  z  just  half  right” 


OCr*  A  man  should  never  be  ashamed  to  own 
been  in  the  wrong,  which  is  but  saying,  in  other 
that  he  is  wiser  to-day  than  he  was  yesterday. 


he  has 
words 


14 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


A  Strange  Cure. 

A  man  and  his  wife  having  seriously  disagreed,  he 
said  by  way  of  revenge,  that  he  would  go  and  kill  him¬ 
self,  “  by  mowing  without  ale  !”  He  persisted  in  his 
purpose  for  some  time,  but  instead  of  dying  he  began  to 
feel  himself  so  much  better  without  ale,  that  he  became 
a  teetotaler. 

This  reminds  us  of  a  termagant  woman,  who  was 
fonder  of  the  u  creater”  than  of  her  husband.  He 
bought  a  keg  of  brandy,  and  put  it  in  her  way ;  being 
rebuked  for  it  by  one  of  his  friends,  he  said  it  was  the 
only  resource  left  him,  that  she  might  drink  herself  to 
death,  and  thus  relieve  him  from  his  calamity.  She 
happened  to  overhear  him,  and  out  of  spite  never 
touched  a  drop  of  liquor  subsequently.  The  best  of  it 
was,  that  the  change  in  her  habits  produced  a  change  in 
her  temper,  and  her  husband  has  no  longer  any  wish 
that  she  should  poison  herself. 


Singular  Vengeance. 

Plutarch  relates  that  Xerxes  being  highly  incensed 
- 'With  the  Babylonians  for  a  rebellion,  and  having  recon¬ 
quered  them,  he  forbade  their  carrying  arms,  or  devoting 
themselves  to  manly  pursuits*  and  commanded  that 
they  should  apply  themselves  to  singing  and  llute-play- 
ing,  and  that  they  should  haunt  taverns  and  houses  of 
ill-fame  ;  justly  considering  that  effeminacy  and  vice 
were  the  severest  scourges  of  a  people. 

It  would  seem  as  if  a  large  portion  of  our  countrymen 
had  fallen  under  the  vengeance  of  Xerxes.  We  shall 
not  spare  our  endeavors  to  rescue  them,  but  much  de¬ 
pends  on  themselves.  It  is  morally,  as  well  as  physi¬ 
cally  true,  that 

“  Who  would  be  free,  himself  must  strike  the  blow  !” 


An  orator  holding  forth  in  favor  of  women,  con¬ 
cluded  thus — “  Oh,  my  hearers,  depend  upon  it,  nothing 
beats  a  good  wife.  u  I  beg  your  pardon,”  replied  one 
of  his  female  auditors,  u  a  drunken  husband  does.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


15 


Tile  Disappointed  Bride. 


THORTON , 


A  very  intelligent  and  promising  young  man  led  a 
beautiful  bride  to  the  altar  of  wedlock.  Both  uttered 
the  marriage  vows  with  sincerity  and  hopeful  love. 
Scarce  twelvemonths  had  passed,  however,  before  the 
husband,  lured  by  the  power  of  the  wine  cup,  lost  his 
self-respect  and  became  a  confirmed  drunkard.  For 
three  years  he  lived  the  drunkard’s  life,  and  then  he  was 
drunk  one  week,  sick,  or  nearly  so  the  next ;  drunk 
again  the  week  after,  and  then  down  beneath  the  power 
of  delirium  tremens.  Care  and  trouble  have  made  that 
wife  sick  too ;  she  weeps  and  is  excited  by  turns,  and 
even  tears  her  hair  as  with  madness. 

Some  weeks  ago,  he  was  taken  to  the  Watch  House; 
his  wife,  true  to  her  vows,  followed  and  found  him  there. 
Once,  she  sought  him  at  the  hotel  amidst  a  band  of  tipplers. 
Rushing  into  the  room,  she  asked  the  creature  at  the 
bar,  u  Why  do  you  give  my  husband  liquor 

“  We  are  innocent.  His  friends  treat  him,”  was  the 
insulting  answer. 

“Friends!”  she  replied:  “what  friends  can  do 
this  V'  and  then  with  love  and  kindness  she  led  her 
husband  home.  What  a  caution,  thought  we,  to  those 
who  will  marry  moderate  drinkers. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


l6 

Take  Care  of  Your  Grist. 

One  of  your  “  strong  minded”  gentlemen  in  the 
western  part  of  New  York,  had  taken  some  grain  to  the 
mill  to  be  ground,  when  he  was  earnestly  solicited  to 
sign  the  Pledge.  “Oh  no,”  he  replied,  “  the  Pledge  is 
very  good  for  those  who  are  not  able  to  take  care  of 
themselves,  but  as  for  me  I  can  drink  or  let  it  alone, — 
there  is  no  necessity  for  my  signing,”  During  the  day 
he  went  repeatedly  to  the  grocery,  and  when  evening 
came,  he  was  so  high  that  tbe  miller  was  under  the 
necessity  of  helping  both  him  and  his  grist  into  the  wag¬ 
gon,  and  it  was  left  to  the  instinct  of  his  horse  to  carry 
him  home.  Next  morning  his  son  came  to  the  mill  en¬ 
quiring  for  the  grist, — the  man  who  would  not  sign  the 
Pledge,  because  he  could  take  care  of  himself  had  lost  it  all 
on  the  road.  _ 

A  Moderate  Drinker. 

Our  friend  Barker  walking  on  the  Battery  last  Mon¬ 
day.  saw  two  drunkards  who  were  anxious  to  have  a 
fight,  but  could  not  stand  up  long  enough  to  be  knocked 
down  ;  our  friend  went  up  to  a  well  dressed  man  who 
— ^encouraging  them  to  right,  and  says,  u  Now,  sir, 
you  had  better  sign  the  Pledge  of  total  abstinence,  you 
have  before  you  an  example  of  what  you  may  soon 
come  to.”  u  Oh,  no,  I  never  drink  but  little,  I’m  only  a 
moderate  drinker,  no  use  of  my  signing  !”  upon  which 
friend  B.  turns  round  to  one  of  the  drunkards  who  laid 
upon  the  ground,  and  says  “Friend,  are  you  a  drunk¬ 
ard  V1  “  Wh — wh — what,  me  a  drunkard  !  No,  Pm 
only  a  moderate  drinker.'1'1  u  There  sir,  go  take  your 
brother  by  the  hand.” 

Take  Care. 

“  You  talk  to  me  in  that  wTay  !  Why  I  knew  the 
time  you  hadn’t  a  shirt  to  your  back  !”  exclaimed  a 
rumseller  reproachfully  to  a  Washingtonian  who  was 
urging  the  impropriety  of  his  business. 

“  I  confess  it,”  was  the  reply,  “  but  it  was  before  I 
quit  visiting  your  nouse.  Since  I  signed  the  Pledge.  I 
can  muster  a  clean  one  every  day  in  the  week  !” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


17 


“  I  say  no  good,  at  all.” 


A  gentleman  in  the  city,  who  was  in  the  habit  of— * 
drinking  his  brandy  and  water,  moderately  of  course,  had 
a  negro  servant  who  was  a  model  of  sobriety. — But  a 
few  evenings  ago,  the  gentleman  came  home  and  found 
Jim  very  drunk.  The  next  morning  the  offender  was 
called  up  for  an  explanation.  He  came  forward  with  a 
peculiarly  distressed  and  mortified  look,  and  when  in¬ 
quired  of  what  this  meant,  he  replied,  “Why,  master, 

I  see  when  anything  troubles  you,  or  you  feel  bad,  you 
always  drink  brandy  amazingly.  Well,  yesterday  I 
broke  one  of  your  china  platters,  and  knew  you  would 
be  sorry,  so  it  troubled  me.  I  felt  very  bad  indeed,  and 
I  thought  I  would  take  some  brandy  too;  so  I  kept 
drinking,  and  drinking,  and  I  got  drunk  before  I  thought. 
But  it  did  no  good  at  all.  For  I  feel  just  as  bad  about 
the  platter,  and  then  I  am  mortified  to  think  that  I 
should  get  drunk.  It  does  no  good  at  all  to  drink  when 
you  are  in  trouble .” 

The  gentleman  was  so  struck  with  the  honest  sim- 


18 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


plicity  of  the  negro,  and  the  good  sense  of  the  conclu¬ 
sion,  as  well  as  with  the  evil  influence  of  his  own 
example  upon  those  beneath  him,  that  he  was  deter¬ 
mined  to  banish  his  brandy  forever,  and  is  now  fully 
convinced  that  44  it  does  no  good  at  all.” 


Cold  Water  and  Prosperity. 

We  had  the  pleasure  of  hearing  James  Buchanan, 
Esq.,  British  Consul  for  this  port,  deliver  an  address  be¬ 
fore  the  Howard  Society,  on  which  occasion  he  related 
the  following  circumstance  : 

Several  years  ago  a  gentleman  dined  with  him  who 
had  risen,  by  his  own  industry  and  integrity  alone,  from 
humble  life  to  a  proud  elevation  in  society.  On  being 
invited  to  take  a  glass  of  wine,  the  following  conversa¬ 
tion  ensued  : — 

44  Do  you  allow  persons  at  your  table  to  drink  what 
they  please  asked  the  guest. 

44  Certainly,”  replied  the  Consul. 

44  Then,  I’ll  take  a  glass  of  water.” 

44  Ah,  indeed  !  And  how  long  have  you  drank  cold 
water  ?” 

44  Ever  since  I  was  eleven  years  old.” 

44  Is  it  possible !  And  pray  what  induced  you  to 
adopt  the  principle  of  total  abstinence  ?” 

44  Seeing  a  person  intoxicated.” 

44  Well,”  continued  the  Consul,  44  if  you  have  had  the 
firmness  of  purpose  to  continue  up  to  this  time  without 
taking  intoxicating  drinks,  I  do  not  wonder  that  you 
have  reached  your  present  position.” 

The  Consul  afterwards  learnt  that  the  person  he  saw 
intoxicated  was  his  father  ! 

Honest  at  Least. 

44  Will  you  take  a  glass  of  whiskey  with  me 
asked  a  toper  of  a  distiller. 

44  No — I  don’t  drink,”  was  the  reply. 

44  What ! — you  make  whiskey  and  wont  drink  it  Vy 

44  No — it’s  only  made  for  such  fools  as  you  !”  replied 
he  coolly.*  #  > 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


19 


Hard  Arguments. 


A  jolly  son  of  Neptune  came  up  to  a  reverend  gen¬ 
tleman  in  Charleston,  not  long  since,  shaking  a  hand- full 
of  silver  dollars.  “  Why  Jack,”  said  the  pastor,  jest¬ 
ingly,  “you  are  flush  to-day — do  you  intend  to  make 
me  a  present  of  all  these  dollars  ?”  “  Faith,  no,”  said 

the  honest  tar,  “  these  are  not  dollars — they  are  argu¬ 
ments.”  “  Arguments  ?  Why,  what  do  they  prove  V ’ 
“  Faith,  and  they  prove  that  Temperance  is  a  good 
thing.  Now,  sir,  I  received  my  wages  when  I  got  into 
port  here  the  other  day,  and  had  just  twenty  dollars,  and 
says  I  to  myself,  now  this  goes  for  grog  and  fun.  Well 
sir,  the  first  night  I  spent  five  dollars  at  the  grog  shop, 
leaving  me  just  fifteen.  But  as  you  had  appointed  the 
next  night  for  a  Temperance  meeting,  and  begged  us  all 
to  come  up,  I  thought  I  would  go  just  to  hear  what  you 
had  to  say.  Well  sir,  I  signed  the  pledge  that  night, 
and  here’s  the  rest  of  my  grog-money  all  saved.  Now 
sir,”  continued  Jack,  shaking  his  money  at  the  parson 
and  laughing,  “  don’t  you  call  these  fifteen  goof  hard 
arguments  in  favor  of  Temperance  ?” 


20 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


I  Never  Drinlt. 

A  physician  of  our  city,  a  short  time  since  was  in 
company,  when  the  subject  of  temperance  was  brought 
up.  One  of  his  customers  who  was  present  remarked, 
that  temperance  was  a  great  cause,  and  that  the  Wash¬ 
ingtonians  deserved  the  thanks  of  the  whole  community 
for  their  untiring  exertions  in  doing  good  to  their  fellow 
men  by  persuading  them  not  to  touch  a  single  drop  of 
the  cursed  intoxicating  drink.  He  was  asked  by  the 
doctor  if  he  was  one  of  the  Washingtonians  :  “  Oh,  no,” 
he  said,  “it  is  no  use  for  me  to  join — I  never  drink  a 
drop  of  intoxicating  drink,  and  shall  ever  keep  from  it 
without  signing  a  pledge.”  A  short  time  after  this  he 
was  taken  quite  unwell  and  the  above  physician  sent 
for,  who  being  fond  of  a  joke,  and  thinking  what  his 
customer  had  said  before  about  not  drinking  a  drop,  says 
to  him,  u  My  friend,  I  know  your  case  exactly,  and  I 
have  a  medicine  which  will  afford  immediate  relief  which 
I  shall  give  you,  for  I  heard  you  say  the  other  evening 
you  never  drank  a  drop  of  intoxicating  drink  ;  but  I 
would  not  give  it  to  any  one  who  did,  for  it  would  be 
the  means  of  their  death.”  “  For  God’s  sake,  doctor, 
hold  on  !  it  is  fortunate  you  mentioned  this,  for  I  have 
deceived  my  friends  and  you  and  have  drank  several 
glasses  every  day,  which  is  the  very  reason  of  my  not 
signing  the  Pledge.  Give  me  some  other  medicine,  and 
hereafter  I  will  ever  live  up  to  what  I  profess.” 


Not  Worth  Buying. 

A  person  by  habitual  excess  had  laid  himself  on  a  bed 
of  sickness.  One  evening  his  wife  had  occasion  to  go 
out  shopping,  and  of  course  had  to  go  alone. 

Her  child,  a  boy  of  four  years,  was  playing  about,  as  he 
had  been  allowed  to  sit  up  for  company  for  his  father,  while 
his  mother  should  be  away.  The  boy  kept  teasing  to  know 
what  mother  would  buy  for  him,  and  laughingly  his  mother 
told  him,  she  would  buy  for  him  another  father. 

“  Oh,  mother,  don’t  buy  a  drunken  father !”  said  the 
child,  with  great  earnestness.  This  expression  set  the 
inebriate  to  thinking,  and  resulted  in  his  reformation. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


21 


Tlie  Cliamplon  of  Rom. 


A  Washingtonian  was  addressing  an  assembly  in  the 
street  at  Philadelphia  not  long  ago,  and  being  frequently 
interrupted  by  two  or  three  topers  in  the  crowd,  he  at 
last  said,  if  there  were  any  who  felt  disposed  to  take  the 
other  side  of  the  question,  he  wTould  invite  them  to  the 
stand,  and  they  would  be  guaranteed  an  attentive  hear¬ 
ing.  44 1  takes  that,”  exclaimed  a  ragged  drunken  man, 
making  the  best  of  his  wray  towards  the  speaker.  When 
he  reached  the  stand,  the  Washingtonian  extended  his 
hand  and  assisted  him  up,  and  after  looking  round  on 
the  audience  only  as  a  drunken  man  knows  how  to,  he 
commenced  somewhat  as  follows  : — 

44  Genelmen — I  drinks  rum,  ’cause  I  likes  it.  Some¬ 
times  I’se  drunk,  and  then  agin  sometimes  I  aint — some¬ 
times  I  licks  my  wrife,  and  sometimes  I  don’t  lick  her — 
sometimes  I’se  got  money,  and  sometimes  I  aint  got  a 
red  cent.” 

Here  burst  forth  such  a  round  of  applause,  as  to  pre¬ 
vent  the  speaker  from  going  on — whether  the  assembled 
multitude  wrere  carried  away  by  the  extraordinary  elo- 


22 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


quence  of  the  speaker,  or  whether  they  looked  upon  his 
arguments  as  being  of  the  “  knock  down”  order,  we 
have  not  been  able  to  determine — but  it  is  a  fact  that  a 
number  without  further  hesitation,  walked  up  and  put 
their  names  to  the  Pledge  ;  the  gallant  speaker  was  sur¬ 
rounded,  and  with  very  little  difficulty,  was  induced  to 
sign  too,  since  which,  all  his  energies  and  eloquence 
have  been  directed  to  the  advancement  of  the  good  cause 
of  temperance. 


Tlie  Lady’s  C<omplnitit. 

Mr.  Cary  relates  the  following  anecdote  : — At  a  tem¬ 
perance  meeting  where  he  Was  called  to  lecture,  in  a 
country  town,  he  found  on  enquiry,  that  there  was  but 
one  woman  present  who  had  not  signed  the  Pledge. 
He  went  and  spoke  to  her  privately,  and  asked  her  if 
she  had  become  a  member  of  the  Society.  “  No,  I 
hain’t,”  said  she  with  the  bitterness  of  a  real  Tartar.  He 
learned  from  her  that  her  husband  was  grossly  intem¬ 
perate. 

“  Now,”  said  Mr.  Cary,  “  perhaps  if  you  will  sign 
the  Pledge,  your  husband  may  be  induced  to  sign.”  At 
once  softened  a  little  by  his  kind  address,  she  replied, 
and  she  drew  him  a  little  closer,  and  almost  whispered 
as  she  said  it,  “  Mr.  Cary  I  do  not  want  he  should  sign 
the  Pledge.  I  have  a  complaint  on  me,  that  renders  it 
necessary  for  me  to  take  a  little  liquor  myself ;  and  if 
my  husband  signs,  I’m  afraid  that  he  will  not  give  me 
any.” 

Her  husband  did  sign  that  very  night,  and  is  now  a 
sober  man.  After  the  meeting  was  over,  Mr.  C.  en¬ 
quired  of  some  of  her  neighbors  what  that  complaint  was. 

“  Why,”  said  they,  44  her  complaint  consists  in  her 
being  the  greatest  drunkard  of  the  two.” 

Poor  woman  !  she  must  die  of  her  complaint,  for  her 
husband,  as  she  anticipated,  since  he  has  become  a 
Washingtonian,  will  give  her  no  more  liquor. 

Now,  when  we  see  a  lady  refuse  to  sign  the  temper¬ 
ance  pledge,  we  are  very  prone  to  think  that  that  lady 
nas  a  u  complaint .” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


23 


All  Hell  1st  Rejoicing  : 


A  rumseller  in  Wilmington  lately  saw  a  reformed  man 
who  had  relapsed  into  his  former  habits,  and  was  walk¬ 
ing  along  intoxicated.  He  stepped  up  to  him  in  a  pleas¬ 
ant  manner,  and  remarked  kindly — What !  you’ve  got 
to  drinking  again,  have  you  V'  The  drunkard  immedi¬ 
ately  exclaimed  in  a  loud  voice,  and  with  uplifted  arm — 
M  Yes ,  all  hell's  rejoicing!"  Thus  ended  the  interview. 

Resalts  of  the  Traffic. 

A  German  living  near  Palestine,  Ind.,  after  drinking 
and  gambling,  took  home  a  barrel  of  whiskey.  In  the 
night  his  wife  let  it  run  out.  He  got  up,  killed  his  wife 
by  cutting  her  head  off  with  an  axe,  and  then  stood  up  be¬ 
fore  the  glass  and  cut  his  own  throat.  Has  the  liquor 
dealer  any  responsibility  in  such  cases  ? 


24 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


A  Loud  on  tile  Chest. 

A  man  who  had  wasted  an  ample  fortune  in  drinking, 
had  at  last  nothing  left  by  which  to  raise  money,  but  a 
sorrel  horse.  His  wife  begged  him  not  to  part  with  the 
beast,  for  she  knew  his  family  would  not  be  benefited  by 
the  money  he  might  receive  for  it ;  but  at  length  he  de¬ 
clared  the  horse  should  be  sold.  The  horse  was  in  good 
condition  and  newly  shod,  so  he  soon  found  a  purchaser, 
and  even  previous  to  the  sale — a  mm  shop  ;  and  before 
his  wife  again  saw  him,  the  money  he  had  received  for 
the  animal  was  in  the  rum  seller’s  till.  As  soon  as  he 
entered  his  door,  and  met  the  glance  of  his  wife,  he  as- 
sumed  the  appearance  of  one  in  great  pain,  and  begged 
her  to  do  something  quickly  for  him,  else  he  must  die, 
his  pains  were  so  acute — such  a  load  on  his  chest. 

.She  looked  at  him  for  a  moment,  penetrated  his  motive, 
and  humorously  exclaimed,  “  I  am  not  surprised  that 
you  complain  of  such  a  load  on  the  chest,  for  there  lays 
the^sorrel,  irons  and  all.”  The  man  has  since  become  a 
Washingtonian.” 


Time  to  Quit. 

A  soaker  in  a  neighboring  village,  had  been  on  a  hard 
sj>ree.  Next  morning  he  wanted  to  taper  off,  but  the 
query  was,  how  to  get  the  critter.  His  jug  was  empty, 
his  pockets  ditto,  and  the  tavern  keeper  wouldn’t  trust. 
Casting  his  eyes  round,  he  spied  his  wife’s  pocket  bible, 
which  he  slyly  slipt  into  his  own  pocket,  and  off  he 
went  to  the  tavern.  After  coaxing  the  landlord  for  a 
drink  in  vain,  he  produced  the  bible,  and  offered  it  in 
security — but  it  was  no  go.  “  That’s  not  yours  ;  take 
it  home  to  your  wife.”  In  vain  he  begged  for  one  glass, 
and  insisted  on  leaving  the  bible,  promising  to  go  to 
work  and  pay  him  out  of  the  first  money  he  got.  The 
publican  was  inexorable. 

“  Well,”  said  he,  when  you  won’t  take  my  word  or 
the  Word  of  God  for  a  drink,  it’s  high  time  for  me  to 
quit.” 

He  carried  the  bible  home,  and  signed  the  Pledge,  and 
has  drank  none  since. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


25 


Riding  in  a  Carriage. 


One  day  a  moderate  drinker  after  having  had  a 
scene  with  his  wife,  during  which  she  bitterly  re¬ 
proached  him  for  his  cruelty,  and  neglect,  and  declared 
she  never  wished  to  see  him  again,  left  the  house  in  a 
rage  swearing  that  he  would  not  return  until  he  came  in 
his  carriage,  when  she  would  be  very  happy  to  receive 
him.  He  kept  his  word,  although  not  exactly  in  the 
way  he  intended,  in  a  couple  of  hours  he  came  home  in 
a  wheelbarrow. 


Tit  for  Tnt. 

A  man  of  temperate  habits  was  once  dining  at  the 
house  of  a  free  drinker.  No  sooner  was  the  cloth  re¬ 
moved  from  the  dinner  table,  than  wine  and  spirits  were 
introduced,  and  he  was  asked  to  take  a  glass  of  spirits 
and  water.  u  No,  thank  you,”  said  he,  “  I  am  not  ill.’1 


26 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


“  Take  a  glass  of  wine,  then,”  said  his  hospitable  host. 
“No,  thank  you,”  said  he,  “I  am  not  thirsty.”  These 
answers  called  forth  a  loud  burst  of  laughter. 

Soon  after  this  th^  temperance  man  took  a  piece  of 
bread  from  the  sideboard,  and  handed  it  to  his  host,  who 
refused  it,  saying  that  he  was  not  hungry.  At  this  the 
temperance  man  laughed  in  his  turn.  a  Surely,”  said 
he,  “  I  have  as  much  reason  to  laugh  at  you  for  not 
eating  when  you  are  not  hungry,  as  you  have  to  laugh 
at  me  for  declining  medicine  when  not  ill,  and  drink 
when  I  am  not  thirsty.” 


Delicate  Rebuke. 

“  My  dear  husband,”  said  an  amiable  and  witty  wife 
to  her  truant  lord,  the  morning  after  returning  home  at  a 
late  hour,  somewhat  the  worse  for  an  evening’s  dissipa¬ 
tion,  u  Do  you  think,  really,  that  man  and  wife  are  both 
one,  as  is  sometimes  said  V ’  “  Certainly,  my  dear,  how 
shall  it  be  otherwise  ?  But  why  ask  that  question 
“  Because,”  she  replied,  “  if  that  be  the  fact,  I  am  bound 
to  express  my  regret  and  ask  your  forgiveness  for  being 
imprudent  last  night.  Pardon  me  this  offence,  and  I 
promise  you  I  never  will  get  drunk  again.”  The  re¬ 
buke  was  effectual. 


Bitters  and  Sweets. 

Two  gentlemen  were  riding  in  a  buggy  the  other 
morning  very  early,  when  a  drunken  loafer  undertook  to 
abuse  them  for  having  a  handsome  vehicle  while  he  had 
to  walk. 

“  Fine  times,”  said  the  anti-Washingtonian,  as  he  stag¬ 
gered  along,  “  but  there  are  bitters  as  well  as  sweets — 
(hie) — in  this  world ;  you’ve  been  taking  your  sweets 
— (hie) — ” 

“  Yes,  and  you’ve  been  taking  your  bitters ,”  said  one 
of  the  gentlemen,  as  he  whipped  up  his  horse  and  drove 
along. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


27 


Dicin’ t  Know  Ilia  own  Son. 


There  is  a  good  story  told  of  Jarvis,  the  painter. 
Starting  out  one  day,  with  two  or  three  companions,  for 
a  spree,  the  ever  observing  eye  of  the  painter  was  at¬ 
tracted  by  some  hoys,  actively  engaged  at  play,  and 
particularly  one  of  those  geniuses  “  born  to  rule”  who 
was  leading  in  their  evolutions.  “  Come  here  my  man,” 
cried  Jarvis,  “  what  is  your  name  V ’  “  My  name  is 

John,  and  I  am  not  your  man,”  quickly  answered  the 
boy.  “  John  ?  why  that  is  my  name,”  said  Jarvis, « 
“  what  is  your  other  name  V1  “  Wesley.”  “John  Wes¬ 
ley  V'  that  is  my  name  too.  Any  more  names  %  the 
more  the  merrier.  “  Jarvis,”,  said  the  boy.  u  Jarvis? 
John  Wesley  Jarvis  !  Why,  who  is  your  father  V1  was 
the  earnest  inquiry.  “  He's  Jarvis ,  the  painter ,  and 
mother  says ,  he's  a  very  bad  man ,  too." 


A  witty  moralist  used  to  say  of  taverns,  that  they 
were  places  where  men  sold  madness  by  the  bottle. 


28 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES* 


Will  you  take  a  Sheep. 

A  valuable  friend  and  an  able  farmer,  about  the  time 
that  the  temperance  reform  was  beginning  to  exert  a 
healthful  influence  in  the  country,  said  to  his  newly 
hired  man  : 

“  Jonathan,  I  did  not  think  to  mention  to  you  when  I 
hired  you,  that  I  think  of  trying  to  do  my  work  this 
year  without  rum.  How  much  more  must  I  give  you 
to  do  without  ?” 

44  Oh,”  said  Jonathan,  “  I  don’t  care  much  about  it, 
you  may  give  me  what  you  please.” 

44  Well,”  said  the  farmer,  “  I  will  give  you  a  sheep  in 
the  fall,  if  you  will  do  without.” 

“Agreed,”  said  Jonathan. 

The  oldest  son  then  said,  41  Father,  will  you  give  me 
a  sheep  if  I  will  do  without  rum  V ’ 

44  Yes,  Marshall,  you  shall  have  a  sheep  if  you  will 
do  without.” 

The  youngest  son,  a  stripling,  then  said,  44  Father, 
will  you  give  me  a  sheep  if  I  will  do  without  V' 

44  Yes,  Chandler,  you  shall  have  a  sheep  also,  if  you 
do  without  rum.” 

Presently  Chandler  speaks  again — 

44  Father,  hadn’t  you  better  take  a  sheep  too  V* 

This  was  a  poser ;  he  hardly  thought  that  he  could 
give  up  the  44  good  creature”  yet ;  but  the  appeal  was 
from  a  source  not  to  he  easily  disregarded.  The  result 
was,  the  demon  was  henceforth  banished  from  the  pre¬ 
mises,  to  the  great  joy  and  ultimate  happiness  of  all 
concerned. 


A  Good  Reference. 

4{  Do  you  know  Mr.  Brown  ?”  asked  one  friend  of 
another,  referring  to  an  old  gentleman  who  was  famous 
for  his  fondness  of  the  extract  of  hops. 

44  Yes,  sir,  I  know  him  very  well.” 

14  What  kind  of  a  man  is  he  ?” 

44  Why,  in  the  morning  when  he  gets  up  he  is  a  beer 
barrel,  and  in  the  evening  when  he  goes  to  bed  he  is  a 
barrel  of  beer.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES.  29 


“  Father,  yon  go  up  and  Sign.” 


At  the  close  of  one  of  the  meetings  at  Harper’s 
Ferry,  the  following  incident  took  place.  One  little 
girl  remarked  to  her  father,  “  There  goes  Mr.  Jones 
up  to  sign,  do  you  go  up  now  and  so  she  would  re¬ 
peat,  as  her  father’s  acquaintances  would  pass  up  to 
sign.  As  a  last  appeal,  she  remarked,  “If  you  are 
ashamed,  father,  I  will  take  you  up,  and  we  will  both 
sign  3”  there  was  no  resisting  the  appeal,  they  went  up 
and  signed  the  Pledge,  and  never  can  I  forget  that 
child’s  seraphic  smile  3  all  care  appeared  to  pass  from  her 
countenance. 


It  is  estimated  that  nine-tenths  of  the  crimes  which 
debase  society  in  Great  Britain,  three-fourths  of  the 
prostitution,  and  the  same  proportion  of  insanity,  are 
caused  by  intoxicating  drinks. 


30 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


The  Drunkard’s  Children. 

On  a  cold  snowy  night  last  week,  at  a  late  hour,  three 
little  girls  were  discovered  asleep  on  the  steps  of  one  of 
the  most  splendid  mansions  in  Broadway,  by  a  gentle¬ 
man  who  was  passing  by.  They  were  ail  barefoot,  and 
nearly  naked.  A  police  officer  accompanied  them  home, 
which  proved  to  be  a  filthy  room  in  a  comfortless  hovel, 
presenting  the  following  picture  : 

On  a  bed  of  straw  lay  the  father  of  these  children,  in 
a  state  of  intoxication,  and  on  the  floor,  in  one  corner  of 
the  room,  was  the  mother  moaning  with  pain,  and  bleed¬ 
ing  from  wounds  which  had  been  inflicted  by  her  cruel 
husband.  One  of  the  little  girls  said  that  they  had  not 
as  much  as  they  wanted  to  eat  for  more  than  ten  days, — 
that  they  had  been  forced  into  the  street  for  the  purpose 
of  begging,  and  that  the  scene  before  us  was  an  old 
story  to  them. 

Such  is  a  fair  specimen  of  the  condition  and  sufferings 
of  the  children  of  some  hundreds  of  drunken  men  in  this 
city.  In  an  enlightened  and  Christian  city,  they  are 
compelled  to  grow  up  ignorant  and  vagrant !  Of  course 
the  rum  traffic  is  the  cause ;  but  an  enlightened  and 
Christian  people  are  the  cause  of  the  rum  traffic.  Every 
man  who  can  but  refuses  to  exert  an  influence  to  sup¬ 
press  this  traffic,  is  answerable  before  Heaven  for  the 
sufferings  and  fate  of  these  children. 


Pledging. 

“  You  complain  of  my  taking  the  pledge,”  said  a  re¬ 
claimed  man  in  Kent,  to  an  anti-teetotal  acquaintance. 
u  Strong  drink  occasioned  me  to  have  more  to  do  with 
pledging  than  ever  teetotalism  has.  When  I  was  a  con¬ 
sumer  of  strong  drink,  I  pledged  my  coat,  I  pledged  my 
bed,  I  pledged,  in  short,  everything  that  was  pledgeable, 
and  was  losing  every  hope  and  blessing,  when  teetotal 
truth  met  me  and  convinced  me  of  my  folly.  Then  I 
pledged  myself,  and  by  so  doing,  soon  got  my  other 
things  out  of  pledge,  and  got  more  than  my  former  pro¬ 
perty  about  me.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


31 


Twice  Married. 

Married. — On  Sunday  evening.  July  27,  1845.  Mr. 
Martin  Mead  to  Mrs.  Poily  Mead,  both  of  Danbury. 

This  re-union  of  two  kindred  hearts  has  resulted  from, 
the  temperance  movement.  For  years  had  they  been 
separated  by  that  monster  (t  who  spares  not  the.  high 
nor  the  humble.”  The  kind  husband,  although  he  loved 
his  wife  as  he  did  his  own  soul,  was  seduced  by  the 
wiles  of  the  4i  perfidious  destroyer,”  and  she  whom  he 
had  vowed  to  “  love,  chersh  and  protect,”  was  forced 
to  seek  for  safety  and  succor  in  the  law  of  the  land,  and 
the  holy  bonds  were  severed.  She  loved  him  still, 
though  she  had  been  forced  to  a  separation.  For  seven 
long  years  was  he,  as  it  were,  a  wanderer  in  the  land, 
buffetted  about  by  the  fell  destroyer — the  victim  of  the 
soulless  rumseller.  At  length  a  light  burst  forth  from 
the  “  Monumental  City,” — its  beams  spread  far  and 
wide,  till  at  length  they  reached  our  own  rum-degraded 
town.  A  Washington  Temperance  Society  was  formed 
under  the  direction  of  Mr.  Syms,  who  tarried  with  us 
for  a  time  during  his  sojourn  in  Fairfield  county,  and 
Br.  Mead  was  one  of  those  who  assisted  in  its  organiza¬ 
tion.  Although  he  has  never  felt  himself  qualified  to 
address  a  public  assembly,  yet  his  life,  from  the  day  he 
signed  the  pledge,  has  been  a  continued  temperance  lec¬ 
ture.  which  could  be  read  by  all  men. 

When  the  Division  of  the  Sons  of  Temperance  was 
yet  in  its  infancy  in  this  place,  he  availed  himself  of  the 
privileges  of  the  association,  and  it  has  been  to  him 
“his  glory  and  his  shield.”  Faithful  to  the  principles 
of  the  Order  at  all  times,  he  has  gained  the  confidence 
and  respect  of  his  fellow-men,  and  the  implicit  confidence 
of  her  whom  the  law  had  severed  from  him,  and  she  has 
manifested  that  confidence  by  her  re-union.  May  she 
never  have  cause  to  regret  it. 

Mr.  Hopwood  estimates  that  there  are  2,000  total  ab* 
stinence  gospel  ministers  in  Great  Britain  and  Wales. 
From  appearances  wTe  should  judge  they  are  determined 
to  double  the  number. 


32 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


What  a  Pity! 


An  old  sow  once  became  so  drunk  by  eating  rum- 
cherries,  that  she  tumbled  down  in  the  gutter ;  she  had 
a  large  litter  of  pigs,  and  they  ran  around  her,  seeming 
in  very  great  distress,  and  squeaking  most  violently.  A 
little  girl  who  was  looking  through  a  window  witnessed 
the  whole  scene,  and  she  was  affected  to  tears  by  it. 
“Why,  what’s  the  matter,  my  child?”  asked  her 
mother,  seeing  the  tears  trickling  down  the  lovely 
cheeks  of  her  daughter.  “  Why,  I  was  crying  to  think 
how  shamed  them  poor  little  pigs  must  be  to  have  a 
drunken  mother,”  was  the  reply. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


33 


Confessions  of  a  Publican. 

Meeting  a  few  days  since  with  a  retired  publican, 
who  in  his  time  kept  some  of  the  best  houses  in  London, 
the  following  conversation  ensued. 

“  With  what  material  do  you  adulterate  porter  V 5 

“  You  mean  second  brewing,  I  suppose  I” 

“I  don’t  know  what  you  call  it*  I  only  know  that 
you  mix  some  stuff  with  it.” 

“  Well,  we  call  that  second  brewing.  We  can  make 
a  barrel  and  a  half  out  of  one  barrel  which  we  have 
from  the  brewers.  We  put  in  about  two  quarts  of 
water  to  six  of  porter )  then,  of  course,  it  looks 
very  weak,  so  we  get  some  of  the  coarsest  sugar, 
or  treacle,  and  mix  with  it,  then  it  looks  very  strong, 
and  tastes  very  sweet.  I  have  known  people  to  put 
in  a  piece  of  horse’s  flesh,  and  that  gives  it  a  strong 
flavor.” 

“  How  is  it  that  after  persons  have  drank  a  little,  they 
want  more  I  It  seems  to  create  a  thirst.” 

“Why  when  they  put  in  the  sugar  and  things,  they 
take  care  to  put  in  plenty  of  salt ;  so  the  more  they  drinks 
the  more  they  want.” 

u  What  do  they  put  in  ale  I” 

“We  cannot  put  so  much  in  ale,  because  it  will  not 
bear  it ;  it  is  not  so  thick,  and  if  they  put  much  in  they 
’would  be  found  out.” 

“  What  do  they  put  in  gin  I” 

“  They  used  to  put  in  vitriol ;  but  the  people  don’t 
like  it  so  hot  as  they  did,  so  they  are  obliged  to  put  in 
something  more  mild.”  He  said  that  he  had  asked  Mr. 
Hall’s  foreman  what  he  could  put  in  gin  to  improve  it, 
and  the  answer  was,  “We  put  in  all  that  it  will  bear, 
and  if  you  attempt  to  put  anything  more  in  to  improve 
it,  you  will  only  spoil  it.” 

“  How  do  they  make  the  crust  on  Port  I” 

“  That  comes  on  by  being  kept  a  long  time ;  but 
many  persons  get  the  old  dirty  bottles  and  put  some 
fresh  in,  and  sell  it  for  best  old  Port.” 


34 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES* 


Absence  of  Mind. 


On  Sunday  evening,  a  young  gentleman,  accompanied 
by  two  ladies,  entered  a  church  on  Charles  street  and 
proceeding  up  the  aisle,  took  seats  near  the  altar.  The 
gentleman,  before  sitting  down,  commenced  taking  off  an 
overcoat  he  had  on,  but  by  some  mismanagement  or  ab¬ 
sence  of  mind,  he  pulled  off  both  his  overcoat  and  dress- 
coat,  and  there  he  stood,  before  the  congregation  in  his 
shirt  sleeves.  The  audience  wondered  what  was  out — 
it  was  not  a  place  to  spar  or  box  in — but  the  absent- 
minded  gentleman  did  not  stop  long  for  them  to  speculate 
— discovering  his  situation,  he  grasped  both  coats  in  his 
hand  and  rushed  out  of  the  church,  the  whole  auditory 
in  a  general  titter  and  wonderment.  But  an  explanation 
of  his  conduct  might  easily  have  been  found  in  a  decanter 
he  left  at  home  on  the  side  board. 


Indian  Retort.  y 

An  Indian  complained  to  a  retailer  that  the  price  of 
liquor  was  too  high.  The  latter  in  justification  said  that 
it  cost  as  much  to  keep  a  hogshead  of  brandy  as  to  keep 
a  cow.  The  Indian  replied,  “  May  be  he  drink  as  much 
water,  but  he  no  eat  so  much  hay.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


35 


Tlie  Secret  Oat. 

A  friend  explains  the  manner  in  which  our  much  dis¬ 
cussed  secret  has  deaked  out  at  last  as  follows  : — 
“  Travelling  in  the  cars  the  other  day,  I  observed  two 
gentlemen  occupying  separate  seats,  one  just  behind  the 
other.  I  noticed  that  the  one  on  the  back  seat  was 
leaning  forward  on  the  back  of  the  other  seat.  After 
some  time  the  gentleman  on  the  front  seat  said,  4  I 
think,  sir,  you  must  be  a  Son  of  Temperance.’  The 
other  rose  up,  somewhat  astonished  at  the  remark,  and 
replied,  4 1  am,  sir, — and  what  of  it  V  4  Oh,  nothing, 
sir.’  4  But,  sir,  I  would  like  to  know  how  you  told  that 
I  was  one.’ — 4  Why,  sir,’  said  the  first  man,  4  you  have 
for  some  time  been  laying  your  head  very  near  me,  and 
I  have  been  trying  to  discover  whether  you  drank  or 
not.  I  am  myself  a  Son,  and  I  belong  to  the  smelling 
committee,  and  the  moment  I  catch  a  man’s  breath,  I  can 
tell  whether  he  drinks  or  not.  I  could  not  discover  it 
upon  you,  I  therefore  concluded  at  once  that  you  be¬ 
longed  to  our  Order.’  A  hearty  laugh  was  enjoyed  by 
all  the  passengers.”  Take  care,  rum  drinkers !  the 
smelling  committee  are  all  about  over  the  country,  just 
now,  and  it  will  be  hard  for  you  to  escape. 

Staggering  Poetry. 

It  is  said  a  man’s  history  may  be  read  in  his  works. 
On  this  principle  we  judge  the  author  of  the  following 
verses,  which  are  a  sample  of  many  addressed  to  the 
Penn  Yan  Democrat,  against  meddling  with  the  44  liber¬ 
ties”  of  the  rum  traffic  in  any  legal  way,  to  have  been 
pretty  essentially  drunk.  His  rhyme  misfits  and  his 
poetical  feet  go  boozily  enough  : 

The  Temperance  cause  I  much  did  like, 

Until  1  heard  of  so  much  strife, 

So  m^ny  trying  for  the  crown, 

And  trampling  all  oui  liberties  down. 

Such  laws  as  they  are  now  for  trying 
I  think,  to  them,  I  shall  not  join, 

For  fear  in  bondage  they  will  bring 
This  nation,  which  in  peace  has  been. 


36 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


Liberty. 

The  cc  Razor  Strop  Man”  says  : — u  When  first  X  got 
acquainted  with  strong  drink,  it  promised  to  do  a  great 
many  things(for  me.  It  promised  me  liberty,  and  I  got 
liberty.  I  had  the  liberty  to  see  my  toes  poke  out  of 
my  boots — the  water  had  the  liberty  to  go  in  at  the 
toes  and  go  out  at  the  heels — my  knees  had  the  liberty 
to  come  out  of  my  pants — my  elbows  had  the  liberty  to 
come  out  of  my  coat — I  had  the  liberty  to  lift  the  crown 
of  my  hat  and  scratch  my  head  without  taking  my  hat 
•off.  Not  only  liberty  I  got,  but  I  got  music.  When  I 
walked  along  on  a  windy  day,  the  crown  of 

My  hat  would  go  flipperty  flap, 

And  the  wind  whistle  ‘  how  do  you  do.’  ” 


An  Apt  Illustration. 

“  Never  tell  me  !”  said  a  veteran  toper — “  take  my 
word  for  it,  there  is  no  harm  in  a  cheerful  glass ;  it  is 
only  the  fuss  you  temperance  folks  make  about  it,  that 
gives  it  an  ugly  look  to  some  people.  You  have  only 
to  hold  your  tongue  and  all  will  go  on  well  enough.” 
11  You  remind  me,”  replied  the  other,  “  of  a  servant 
girl,  who  when  her  mistress  complained  of  the^  filthy 
condition  of  the  parlor,  replied,  ‘  Oh,  mam,  the  parlor 
is  well  enough  ;  it  is  only  the  nasty  sun  that  comes  in 
and  shows  the  dirt ;  but  I  will  close  the  shutters  and  all 
will  be  well  enough.7  77 


Different  kinds  of  Lying. 

The  Razor  Strop  Man,  at  the  last  accounts,  was 
doing  business  at  Plymouth,  La.  While  expatiating  on 
the  virtue  of  his  strops  and  the  evils  of  rum,  a  tipsy  fel¬ 
low  cried  out,  “  If  rum  made  me  lie  as  fast  as  you  do  in 
selling  your  straps,  I’d  quit  it  to-day.77  “  Very  good,77 
replied  Smith  :  “  the  only  difference  between  your  lying 
and  mine,  is  this  :  My  straps  enable  me  to  lie  in  a  good 
warm  bed  while  rum  makes  you  lie  in  the  gutter.77  The 
tipsy  man  sloped,  evidently  lying  under  a  very  great 
mistake,  in  supposing  that  he  could  get  the  upper  hand 
of  the  Razor  Strop  Man. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES.  . 


37 


Tlie  Indians. 


Three  Indians  in  the  vicinity  of  Green  Bay  became 
converts  to  the  Temperance  cause,  although  previously 
given  to  “  putting  the  enemy  into  their  mouths  that 
stole  their  brains.”  The  white  men  formed  the  charita¬ 
ble  resolution  to  try  their  Indian  sincerity.  Placing' a 
canteen  of  whiskey  in  their  path,  they  hid  themselves  in 
the  bushes  to  observe  the  motions  of  the  red  men.  The 
first  one  recognized  his  old  acquaintance  with  an 
“Ugh!”  and  making  a  high  step  he  passed  on.,  The 
second  laughed,  saying,  “  Me  know  you  !”  and  walked 
round.  The  last  one  drew  his  tomahawk,  and  dashing 
it  to  pieces,  said,  “Ugh  !  you  conquer  me — now  I  con¬ 
quer  you.” 


38 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


About  Middling. 

A  man  is  a  teetotaler,  or  he  is  not.  What  is  a  pretty 
middling  sort  of  a  teetotaller  ?  I  will  reply,  by  the  reci¬ 
tation  of  an  anecdote.  A  shopkeeper  in  the  country 
employed  an  Irish  omnibus  driver  to  ascertain  at  a  city 
bank,  the  character  of  a  three  dollar  bill,  whether  good 
or  bad.  Thrice  he  forgot  his  errand,  and  a  fourth  time 
also  but  preferring  falsehood  to  a  fourth  confession,  he 
boldly  affirmed  that  he  had  made  the  inquiry.  “  And 
what  did  they  say,  Patrick?”  said  the  owner,  “did 
they  say  it  was  a  good  bill  1”  u  No,  sir,”  he  replied. 
“  They  said  it  was  a  bad  bill,  eh  ?”  u  No,  sir,  they  did 
not  say  jest  that,  neither.”  “  What  then  did  they  say  ?” 
“  They  said,  sir,  it  was  a  pretty  middling  sort  of  a  bill.” 

A  Mystery  Unravelled. 

“Once  upon  a  time”  a  shrewd,  observing  old  lady, 
oecoming  suddenly  reduced  in  circumstances,  resorted  to 
a  kind  of  fortune-telling  for  a  livelihood.  She  pre¬ 
tended  to  teach  young  ladies  an  infallible  guide  in 
selecting  a  husband  who  would  always  prove  a  sober 
and  respectable  man,  and  with  whom  they  would  never 
be  in  danger  of  being  reduced  to  the  horrible  state  of  a 
drunkard’s  wife.  Of  course  she  was  thronged  with  cus¬ 
tomers,  and  strange  to  say,  her  rule  always  proved  suc¬ 
cessful.  At  length,  the  secret  came  to  the  light,  though 
given  under  the  strictest  pledge  to  “keep  dark.”  It 
was  to  marry  no  man  who  did  not  take  and  regularly 
read  a  temperance  newspaper. 

Pitchfork:  Suasion. 

About  the  last  kind  of  suasion  we  have  heard  of,  is 
told  by  a  physician  of  Thomaston,  Maine.  He  was 
called  to  visit  a  family  in  the  neighborhood  in  his  pro¬ 
fessional  capacity.  He  found  the  husband  and  father  on 
a  sick  bed,  with  a  pitchfork  standing  at  the  head.  His 
curiosity  was  excited  at  so  strange  an  appearance  in  a 
sick  room,  which  led  him  to  inquire  the  cause,  which 
proved  to  be,  the  brute  of  a  man  had  made  use  of  the 
fork  to  compel  his  wife  to  bring  him  the  rum  bottle. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


39 


«  Wlio’s  Afraid  ?” 


Two  11  moderate  drinkers”  were  passing  along  South 
street  one  night,  with  just  sufficient  liquor  aboard  to 
make  them  feel  as  courageous  as  lions.  All  at  once  one 
of  them  ran  slap  against  something  in  the  shape  of  a  six- 
footer,  when  he  squared  off  and  aimed  a  blow  at  the 
great  unknown  with  such  force,  that  he  lost  his  balance, 
and  fell  prostrate  on  his  back.  “  Hallo,  Captain  !”  ex¬ 
claimed  he  to  his  companion,  “  don’t  let  him  strike  me 
while  I’m  down.”  The  Captain  commenced  trotting 
round  the  stranger,  and  was  just  about  to  give  him  a 
whopper,  when  he  discovered  that  the  antagonist  was 
nothing  more  than  a  post. 


“Beggars  Made  Here.” 

A  man  who  kept  a  tippling  house,  asked  his  neighbor 
what  he  should  put  upon  his  sign.  “  Write,”  said  his 
neighbor,  “  Beggars  made  here.” 


40 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


A  Daughter’s  Influence. 

An  esteemed  young  lady,  friend  of  ours  related  to  us, 
the  other  evening,  pretty  incident  in  which  she  was  her¬ 
self  an  actor,  and  which  affords  a  fine  illustration  of  the 
extent  and  power  of  a  daughter’s  influence.  We  give  it 
without  her  permission,  but  trust  she  will  pardon  the  liberty 
we  are  taking,  as  we  are  not  without  the  hope  that  it  may 
induce  some  other  fair  u  daughters”  to  try  the  strength  of 
their  influence  also,  where  there  is  a  much  greater  neces¬ 
sity  for  it. 

The  venerable  and  honored  father  of  our  young  friend 
was  some  years  since  in  the  practice  (like  almost  every 
one  else  in  those  days,)  of  keeping  a  supply  of  cider  in 
his  house,  and  regularly,  though  temperately,  indulging 
in  its  use.  His  daughter,  being  the  youngest  member  of 
the  family,  and  a  favorite  withal,  generally  had  the  privi¬ 
lege  of  drawing  the  cider  for  him — and  a  great  privilege, 
by  the  way,  she  used  to  consider  it.  In  process  of 
time  she  attended  a  temperance  meeting,  and  there, 
with  others,  signed  the  total  abstinence  pledge.  Not 
long  after  she  had  reached  home,  her  father  came 
in,  and  after  sitting  a  while,  requested  her  to  go 
down  cellar  and  get  him  a  “  mug”  of  his  favorite 
beverage. 

“  Why  father,”  she  replied,  “  I  have  signed  the 
pledge  :  and  the  lecturer  said  it  was  not  only  wrong  for 
us  to  drink  ourselves,  but  that  we  ought  not  to  encour¬ 
age  others  to  do  so.  I  rather  guess,  father,”  she  play¬ 
fully  continued,  “  that  I  can’t  draw  you  any  more 
cider !” 

The  old  gentleman  fixed  his  eye  upon  the  floor  for 
a  moment,  apparently  buried  in  thought,  and  then  ex¬ 
claimed, 

“  Well,  my  child,  if  you  ought  not  to  draw  me  cider, 
I  certainly  ought  not  to  drink  it — and  I  won’t !” 

From  that  day  to  this  he  has  not  taken  a  drop  of  any 
thing  that  can  intoxicate,  and  he  and  his  whole  family 
are  now  staunch  friends  and  supporters  of  our  glorious 
temperance  cause. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


41 


A  Distinguished  Opponent. 


Those  Washingtonians  who  were  active  at  the  Dock 
meetings  held  at  the  foot  of  Catharine  street,  in  1842, 
will  recognize  in  the  above  engraving  a  likeness  of 
Charles,  better  known  as  the  “  distinguished  opponent.” 
Charles  had  been  a  very  respectable  man — but  rum  had 
made  a  loafer  of  him.  He  visited  the  meetings  regularly, 
and  never  failed  to  raise  his  voice  in  defence  of  that 
u  liberty”  that  had  ruined  him!  So  it  is  with  drinking 
men.  They  are  “  deaf,  dumb,  and  blind”  to  their  own 
interests  and  happiness.  Many  such,  however,  have 
been  brought  to  the  light  by  the  persevering  efforts  of 
temperance  men — and  many  thousands  more  will  be 
rescued  if  temperance  people  do  their  duty. 


42 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


Buttermilk  vs.  Whiskey. 

One  of  our  Washingtonians  stated  the  other  evening 
at  the  meeting,  that  before  he  commenced  drinking  he 
used  to  work  on  a  farm.  One  day  a  number  of  them 
went  into  the  fields  to  cradle,  when  he  took  along  a 
kettle  of  buttermilk,  and  the  others  a  jug  of  whiskey. 
During  the  fore  part  of  the  day  the  whiskey  men  got  a 
little  ahead  of  him,  when  one  of  the  party  turned  round 
and  jeeringly  said,  “  Come  along,  Buttermilk  !”  All  the  1 
rest  commenced  a  hearty  laugh.  He  heeded  not — but 
worked  steadily  along.  Every  time  the  whiskey  men 
would  go  to  lighten  the  jug,  he  would  take  a  sup  of 
buttermilk.  Towards  the  latter  part  of  the  day,  he  left 
the  “  ardent ”  boys  far  in  the  rear.  He  thought  it  was 
his  time  now,  and  turning  round  he  exclaimed  at  the  top 
of  his  voice,  “  Come  along,  Whiskey  !” 

“Who  hatli  Redness  of  Eyes!” 

•  This  interrogative  portion  of  divine  Scripture  is  illus¬ 
trated  by  an  anecdote,  related  with  most  effective  dry¬ 
ness  by  a  friend  of  ours.  An  elderly  gentleman,  accus¬ 
tomed  to  u  indulge,”  entered  the  bar  room  of  an  inn  in 
a  pleasant  city  on  the  Hudson,  where  sat  a  grave  Friend 
toasting  his  toes  by  the  fire.  Lifting  a  pair  of  green 
spectacles  upon  his  forehead,  rubbed  his  inflamed  eyes, 
and  calling  for  a  hot  brandy  toddy,  he  seated  himself  by 
the  grate  ;  and  as  he  did  so  he  remarked  to  Uncle  Broad 
Brim  that  “  his  eyes  were  getting  weaker  and  weaker, 
and  that  even  spectacles  didn’t  seem  to  do  ’em  any 
good.”  “  I’ll  tell  thee,  friend,”  replied  the  Quaker, 
u  what  I  think.  I  think  if  thee  was  to  wear  thy  specta¬ 
cles  over  thy  mouth  for  a  few  months,  thy  eyes  would  get 
sound  again.” 


How  Anxious! 

A  rumseller’s  wife,  on  hearing  that  an  old  customer 
was  going  to  sign  the  pledge,  said  to  him — “  What !  you 
ain’t  going  to  give  up  the  comforts  of  life,  are  you  V1 
How  solicitous  some  people  are  for  other  people’s  com¬ 
forts  ! 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


43 


Sir  Matthew  Hale. 

The  learned  and  pious  Sir  Matthew  Hale,  when  a 
youth,  was  addicted  to  the  society  of  some  vicious  peo¬ 
ple,  which  did  not  break  off  till  an  alarming  accident 
broke  him  from  it.  Being  invited  with  some  other 
young  students  to  a  merry-making  out  of  town,  one  of 
them  during  the  carouse  called  for  so  much  wine  that, 
notwithstanding  all  Mr.  Hale  could  do  to  prevent  it,  he 
went  on  in  his  excess  till  he  fell  down  as  dead  before 
them.  All  present  were  not  a  little  terrified,  and  did  all 
they  could  to  bring  him  to  himself  again.  This  particu¬ 
larly  affected  Mr.  Hale,  who  went  into  another  room, 
and  shutting  the  door,  fell  on  his  knees  and  prayed  ear¬ 
nestly  to  God  for  himself  and  his  friend,  that  he  might 
be  forgiven  for  having  countenanced  such  excess.  More¬ 
over,  he  vowed  to  God  that  he  would  never  again  keep 
bad  company,  nor  drink  another  health  while  he  lived. 

His  friend  recovered,  and  Mr.  Hale  religiously  ob¬ 
served  his  vow  till  his  dying  day.  It  was  this  great 
man’s  resolution,  drawn  up  in  writing  for  his  own  private 
use,  with  regard  to  company  (among  other  articles  of 
conduct)  to  do  good  to  them,  to  use  God’s  name  rever¬ 
ently  while  with  them,  to  beware  of  leaving  an  ill  ex¬ 
ample  among  them,  and  to  receive  good  from  them  if 
they  were  more  knowing  than  himself. 


A  Wise  Lawyer. 

It  is  said  there  is  a  certain  eminent  lawyer,  remarkable 
for  the  equanimity  of  his  temper,  and  the  calmness  with 
which,  after  the  opposing  counsel  has  assailed  him  by 
the  hour  with  personal  invective,  he  confines  his  reply  to 
the  matter  at  issue.  Various  speculations  are  afloat  as 
to  the  secret  of  this  enviable  command  of  temper  which 
gives  him  unusual  weight  with  a  jury.  Some  say,  as 
soon  as  he  finds  the  adversary  is  becoming  personal,  lie 
stuffs  his  ears  with  wool,  and  receives  a  hint  from  his 
clerk  when  to  remove  it.  We  guess,  however,  the  true 
secret  is,  he  is  a  temperance  man.  Those  are  least  apt 
to  be  influenced  with  passion,  who  are  never  influenced 
with  liquor. 


44 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


No  Trust. 

A  rummer  who  occasionally  used  to  be  short  of 
change,  had  recourse  to  the  following  expedient  to 
44  raise  the  wind.”  He  got  two  pint  bottles  exactly  alike, 
one  he  filled  with  water,  and  taking  one  in  each  pocket, 
he  entered  the  groggery  and  called  for  a  pint  of  gin. 
The  bottle  was  filled  and  handed  to  him,  when  he  put  it 
in  his  pocket,  at  the  same  time  telling  the  landlord  he 
had  no  money.  “  Then  I  won’t  trust  you,  so  give  me 
back  my  gin,”  said  the  landlord.  “  If  you  wont  there’s 
no  harm  done,”  added  the  other,  reluctantly  pulling  the 
bottle  of  water  from  his  pocket  and  handing  it  over,  it 
was  quickly  emptied  into  the  cask.  There  wrasn’t  much 
harm  done  to  the  landlord  that’s  a  fact,  for  although 
rummey  had  his  bottle  of  gin,  the  same  number  of  pints 
were  drawn  from  the  cask  ;  but  the  great  harm  was  to 
the  successful  knave,  for  the  debauch  brought  on  a 
fever.  Whether  obtained  by  purchase,  by  gift,  or  by 
roguery,  intoxicating  liquors  are  always  dearly  paid  for. 


Little  End  of  the  Horn. 

A  tailor  opened  a  tavern  in  Jersey;  his  wife  was  very 
much  opposed  to  it.  He  got  his  bar,  decanters,  rum, 
&c.  all  ready,  when  he  began  to  think  about  a  sign. 
He  wanted  something  new,  and  this  puzzled  him  a  good 
deal :  at  length  he  went  to  his  wife  and  asked  her. 
44  I’ll  tell  you  what,”  says  she,  u  have  a  big  horn 


painted,  with  yourself  crawling  out  at  the  little  end? 
And  sure  enough  he  did  come  out  at  the  little  end,  con¬ 
siderably  bruised  too;  for  he  manufactured  himself  into 
a  drunkard,  and  finally  went  to  ruin. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


45 


Anacharsis. 

This  prince,  though  a  Scythian  by  birth,  distinguished 
himself  so  much  by  his  bravery,  his  wisdom,  and  his 
temperance,  that  the  Athenians  not  only  made  him  free 
of  their  city,  (an  honor  never  accorded  by  them  to  any 
other  stranger,)  but  ranked  him  among  the  Wise  Men. 
One  of  his  sayings  was,  “  The  vine  bears  three  grapes ; 
the  first,  pleasure ;  the  second,  intoxication ;  the  third, 
repentance”  He  also  observed,  that  a  view  of  the  un¬ 
seemly  actions  of  drunken  men,  is  the  most  effectual 
dissuasion  from  wine.  When  a  drunken  Athenian, 
quarreling  with  him.  reproached  him  with  being  a  Scy¬ 
thian  barbarian,  he  replied,  “  I  know  not  that  my  coun¬ 
try  is  a  disgrace  to  me,  but  I  know  that  you  are  a  dis¬ 
grace  to  your  country.”  Being  invited  to  a  feast  where 
some  of  the  guests,  under  the  influence  of  intoxication, 
diverted  the  company  by  their  foolish  antics,  he  pre¬ 
served  his  seriousness ;  but  an  ape  being  brought  in  he 
laughed  heartily  at  the  animal’s  capers,  and  observed, 
“  This  creature  is  ridiculous  by  nature,  but  man  becomes 
so  against  nature.” 


Going  through  the  Motions. 

There  was  a  fellow  who,  unfortunately  for  himself  and 
family,  from  being  a  pretty  good  husband,  took  to 
drinking,  and  soon  became  an  idle,  trifling  vagabond. 
Coming  home  one  night,  after  having  as  usual  been  on 
a  debauch,  he  began  to  call  lustily — “  Wife  !  wife !  I 
say  give  me  some  supper !”  #  The  poor  wife,  who,  while 
she  could  do  so,  provided  food  for  the  family  by  her  own 
toil,  informed  him,  with  tears  in  her  eyes,  that  there  was 
nothing  to  get  a  supper  out  of.  “What,”  said  he, 
“  haven’t  you  a  piece  of  cold  meat  ?”  “  No  !”  “  Give 

me  a  crust  of  bread,  then.”  He  was  told  there  was 
none.  “What!  have  you  nothing — nothing /”  “No¬ 
thing  at  all,”  replied  the  poor  wife,  “  not  even  a  crumb.” 
After  a  pause — “Very  well,  very  well!  give  me  a  clean 
plate,  knife  and  fork.  “  I'll  go  through  the  motions  any¬ 
how,  if  I  starve  afterwards 


46 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


♦ 

Tile  Drunkard's  Cloak. 

About  a  century  ago.  the 
magistrates  in  one  part  of  Eng¬ 
land  punished  men  who  were 
“given  to  drink,”  by  putting  a 
barrel  upon  them,  as  represented 
in  the  cut.  Thus  armed  and 
equipped  they  were  “  trained” 
through  the  streets,  as  a  warn¬ 
ing  to  the  rising  generation. 

The  people  of  these  days, 
however,  have  found  out  a  bet¬ 
ter  way.  In  kindness  and  sym¬ 
pathy  the  poor  drunkard  is  led 
to  pledge.  Many  thousands 
have  thus  been  permanently  re¬ 
formed,  and  many  thousands  of 
wives  and  children  now  rejoice 
in  happy  temperance  homes  who 
were  once  lonely  and  desolate. 


A  Pert  Reply. 

A  young  buck  belonging  to  the  independent  drink-or- 
let-it-alone-just-as-I-please-without-signing-the-pledge 
fraternity,  popped  the  question  to  a  pretty  girl  a  short 
time  since,  who  brought  a  still  deeper  blush  to  his  al¬ 
ways  blushing  countenance,  by  replying  that  as  she  had 
signed  a  pledge  to  neither  drink  or  traffic  in  ardent 
spirits,  she  did  not  feel  at  liberty  to  traffic  herself  off  for 
a  hogshead  of  brandy. 


Mending  Tumblers. 

A  down-east  landlord,  while  twirling  a  cut-glass  tum¬ 
bler  in  his  fingers,  accidentally  let  it  fall  upon  the  floor. 
It  was  broken  in  pieces.  After  ruminating  a  moment 
upon  his  loss,  he  suddenly  turned  to  the  bar-keeper,  and 
ordered  him  to  “ put  a  quart  of  water  in  that  old  cog - 
niac  /” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


47 


Death  of  Alexander. 

When  Alexander  was  at  Babylon,  after  having  spent 
a  whole  night  in  carousing,  a  second  feast  was  proposed 
to  him.  He  went  accordingly,  and  there  were  twenty- 
guests  at  table.  He  drank  the  health  of  every  person  in 
the  company,  and  then  pledged  them  severally.  After 
this,  calling  for  Hercules’  cup,  which  held  an  incredible 
quantity,  it  was  filled,  when  he  poured  it  all  down, 
drinking  to  a  Macedonian  of  the  company,  Proteas  by 
name  ‘  and  afterwards  pledged  him  in  the  same  extra¬ 
vagant  bumper.  He  had  no  sooner  swallowed  it  than 
he  fell  upon  the  floor.  “  Here,  then,”  cried  Seneca, 
describing  the  fatal  effects  of  drunkenness,  “  this  hero, 
unconquered  by  all  the  toils  of  prodigious  marches,  ex¬ 
posed  to  the  dangers  of  sieges  and  combats,  to  the  most 
violent  extremes  of  heat  and  cold,  here  he  lies,  subdued 
by  his  intemperance,  struck  to  the  earth  by  the  fatal  cup 
of  Hercules.”  In  this  condition  he  was  seized  with  a 
fever,  which,  in  a  few  days,  terminated  in  death.  No 
one,  says  Plutarch  and  Arria,  suspected  then  that  Alex¬ 
ander  was  poisoned  ;  the  true  poison  which  brought  him 
to  his  end  was  wine,  which  has  killed  many  thousands 
besides  Alexander. 

The  mighty  Alexander, 

Who  conquered  half  the  earth, 

Wept  for  more  worlds  to  conquer, 

Which  well  nigh  move  our  mirth  ! 

Himself  he  could  not  conquer, 

Nor  wine’s  degrading  powers  ; 

Let  those  who  will  extol  him — 

The  victory  is  ours 


A  Contrast. 

|{  Who  is  that  man,  so  neatly  attired  in  the  extreme 
of  fashion,  wending  his  way  to  church  ?”  “Oh,  he  is  3 
rumseller.”  “  Indeed  !  And  pray,  who  is  that  poor 
fellow  sprawling  in  the  gutter  ?”  “  Why,  that  is  his 

patron “Well,  I  declare,  it  must  be  a  consoling  re¬ 
flection  to  the  former,  to  know  that  he  is  sustained  by  a 
class  who  cannot  sustain  themselves 


48 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


Spends  It  in  Drink. 

“  I  can  only  give  five  cents  for  it,”  said  a  shopkeeper 
to  a  meanly  clad  little  girl,  who  offered  for  sale  a  small 
copper  box. 

“  I  want  a  sixpence,”  whispered  the  child. 

u  Can’t  afford  it,”  replied  the  shopkeeper ;  “  the  thing 
is  not  worth  it.” 

With  a  downcast  look  the  little  girl  then  left  the 
shop,  but  soon  returned  with  a  few  pieces  of  old  iron ; 
but  alas !  not  the  value  of  the  other  cent  yet  wanting ; 
nevertheless  the  woman  threw  her  a  sixpence,  saying, 
“Well,  I  will  give  you  the  sixpence  for  the  copper.” 
The  child  immediately  disappeared,  and  the  shopkeeper 
remarked  to  the  missionary,  “  She  wanted  the  money  to 
buy  some  bread  for  herself  and  her  little  sisters.” 

“  What  does  her  father  earn,”  the  missionary  in¬ 
quired,  “  that  she  should  be  driven  to  this'?” 

u  Nine  dollars  or  more  per  week.” 

“  Indeed  !  what  does  he  with  it 

“  Spends  it  in  drink  /” 


Youth.  Rebuking  Manhood. 

Two  children,  one  seven  and  the  other  nine  years  old, 
were  riding  in  a  cart  with  a  farmer,  who  had  a  jug  of 
whiskey  with  him.  The  farmer  on  coming  to  a  gate, 
alighted  to  open  it,  leaving  the  boys  and  jug  in  the  cart. 

“  Just  steady  that  jug  a  little  my  boys,”  said  he,  as  he 
was  ready  to  pass  through. 

“  No,  sir,”  replied  the  youngest,  “  we  don’t  drink 
whiskey ,  and  we  can’t  hold  the  jug” 

“  So  spake  the  cherub,  and  the  grave  rebuke, 

Severe  in  youthful  beauty,  added  grace 
Invincible  abashed  the  devil  stood  !” 


Witty  and  Wise. 

When  Dr.  Sherlock  was  appointed  Dean  of  St.  Paul’s, 
he  was  applied  to,  as  was  usual,  to  let  part  of  the  vaults 
for  the  reception  of  wine  ;  which,  however,  he  refused, 
observing  that  he  was  resolved  not  to  be  accused  of 
preaching  over  his  liquor . 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


49 


Tlie  Old  Oaken  Bucket* 


How  sweet  from  the  green  mossy  rim  to  receive  it, 
As  pois’d  on  the  curb  it  inclined  to  my  lips  ; 

Not  a  full  glowing  goblet  could  tempt  me  to  leave  it, 
Tho’  filled  with  the  nectar  that  Jupiter  sip3. 


Miss  -Edgeworth’s  Testimony. 

In  our  village  of  Edgeworthstown  the  whiskey  selling 
has  diminished  since  the  pledge  has  been  taken,  within 
the  last  two  years,  so  as  to  leave  public  houses  empty, 
and  to  oblige  the  landlord  to  lower  house  rent  consider¬ 
ably.  This  we  know  to  our  pecuniary  loss — I  need  not 
add  to  our  moral  satisfaction. 

The  appearance  of  the  people — their  quiet  demeanor 
at  market  and  fairs,  has  wonderfully  improved  in  gene¬ 
ral  ;  and,  to  the  knowledge  of  his  family,  many  notorious 
drunkards  have  been  completely  reformed  by  taking  the 
pledge. 

They  have  become  able  and  willing  to  work,  and  to 
take  care  of  their  farms  and  business,  are  decently 
clothed,  and  healthy,  and  happy ;  and  now  make  their 
wives  and  children  happy,  instead  as  before  reformation , 
miserable  and  half  heart-broken. 


50 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


I  have  heard  some  of  the  strong  expression  of  delight 
of  some  of  the  wives  of  the- reformed  drunkards.  One 
wife  said  to  me,  “  Ma’am,  I’m  the  happiest  woman  now 
that  can  be.  Sure  he  says  he  is  wakened  out  of  a  dream  ; 
and  now  goes  about  his  business  so  well.  And  ma’am, 
he  can  eat  now,  and  he  can  bear  the  noise  of  the  chil¬ 
dren,  which  he  never  could  formerly.” 

I  have  heard  of  many  instances  where  the  health  has 
been  improved,  even  where  the  total  abstinence  began 
late  in  life,  and  after  habits  of  daily  intemperance.  I 
have  not  known  of  any  in  which  the  health  has  suffered. 


Plucking  tke  Roses. 

A  blacksmith  in  one  of  our  villages,  had  in  his  pos¬ 
session,  but  under  mortgage,  a  house  and  piece  of  land. 
Like  many  others,  he  was  fond  of  the  social  glass. 
But  he  joined  the  temperance  society,  and  about  three 
months  after,  he  observed  one  morning  his  wife  busily 
employed  in  planting  rose  bushes  and  fruit  trees. 

“  My  dear,”  said  he,  “  I  have  owned  this  lot  for  five 
years,  and  yet  I  have  never  known  you  before  to  mani¬ 
fest  any  desire  to  improve  and  ornament  it  in  this  man¬ 
ner.” 

“  Indeed,”  replied  the  smiling  wife,  “  I  had  no  heart 
to  do  it  until  you  joined  the  temperance  society — I  had 
often  thought  of  it  before,  but  I  was  persuaded  that 
should  I  do  it,  some  stranger  would  pluck  the  roses  and 
eat  the  fruit.  Now,  I  know  that,  with  the  blessing  of 
Providence,  this  lot  will  be  ours:  and  that  we  and  our 
children  shall  enjoy  its  products.  We  shall  pluck  the 
roses  and  eat  the  fruit.” 


A  Good  Hit. 

A  merchant  being  asked  by  another,  who  had  been 
ruined  by  dissipation  and  compelled  to  assign  his  pro¬ 
perty  to  trustees,  what  could  have  induced  him  to  take 
the  temperance  pledge  ;  he  replied,  “  Because  I  would 
rather  be  able  to  take  care  of  the  affairs  of  others,  than 
to  be  obliged  to  let  others  take  care  of  mine.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


51 


The  Evil  One  and  evil  rum  are  twin  spirits  of  the  in¬ 
fernal  regions.  Here,  readers,  you  see  his  Satanic 
majesty  lovingly  coiled  around  his  prime  minister,  into 
which  he  is  infusing  his  own  diabolical  nature.  How 
his  tongue  protrudes  in  ecstacy  and  hisses  with  delight 
at  the  prospect  of  ruining  the  human  race  !  See,  too,  his 
emissaries  of  secondary  rank — cards  and  dice — beneath 
which  the  venomous  toad  looks  out  and  smiles  in  its 
native  loathsomeness.  What  an  alliance  to  destroy 
mankind — drinking,  gambling,  the  devil  at  the  head,  a 
hateful  reptile  bringing  up  the  rear !  How  very  respect¬ 
able  it  must  be  for  human  beings  to  act  as  agents  in  this 
business !  The  design  exhibits  the  very  form  and 
fashion,  life  and  soul,  genius  and  spirit  of  the  rumseller’s 


UNIVERSITY  OF 
ILLINOIS  LIBRARY 
AT  URBANA'CHAMPAIGN 


52 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


vocation,  and  as  such  we  recommend  it  as  being,  in  all 
respects,  most  admirably  suited  for  the  coat  of  arms  of 

THE  RUMSELLER. 


A  Royal  Reproof*. 

During  the  reign  of  Dionysius  the  Elder,  one  of  the 
young  nobles  of  Syracuse,  returning  home  after  a  de¬ 
bauch,  was  attacked  by  a  robber  who  stripped  him  of 
everything,  even  to  his  clothes.  The  next  day  the 
thief  was  discovered  and  brought  before  the  king,  whose 
known  severity  made  the  criminal  tremble  with  appre¬ 
hension.  The  noble  having  related  his  story,  and  other 
witnesses  having  proved  that  the  property  was  found 
with  the  prisoner,  the  king,  after  meditating  a  moment, 
asked  the  young  man  how  he  could  reconcile  it  with  his 
'  reputation  for  courage,  to  be  robbed  and  ^tripped  by  a 
single  man.  He  replied  that  he  was  too  much  under  the 
influence  of  wine  to  defend  himself;  on  which  the  king 
ordered  the  robber  to  be  discharged,  and  sternly  address¬ 
ing  the  young  noble,  said  :  “  So  it  is  wine  that  deprives 
our  youth  of  tWir  strength,  courage,  and  reputation ! 
Go,  and  learn  to  take  care  of  yourself,  for  from  this  hour 
I  will  rather  favor  than  punish  those  who  are  the  instru¬ 
ments  of  chastising  unmanly  debauchery.” 


Devotion. 

cc  My  dear,  where  is  my  Morning  and  Evening  Devo¬ 
tion,”  said  Mr.  Paul  Partington — meaning  a  small  book 
of  that  title  in  which  he  was  accustomed  to  read.  “  Here 
it  is,”  said  Mrs.  Partington,  producing  a  small  bottle 
from  the  closet;  “here  it  is  in  the  bottle.”  He  looked 
intently  in  her  face,  to  see  if  malice  was  actuating  her, 
but  all  there  was  calm ;  and  rather  than  destroy  her  ap¬ 
parent  satisfaction  at  obliging  him,  he  refrained  from 
explanation  and  partook. 

Irresistible. 

To  see  a  drunken  man  standing  in  the  middle  of  a 
room  waiting  for  the  bed  to  come  round  to  him. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


53 


A  Fact  for  Merchants. 

A  Missouri  paper  says : — But  with  five  or  six  ex¬ 
ceptions  all  our  cases  under  the  insolvent  laws  have 
been  owing  to  intemperance.  Groceries  and  strong 
drink  have  caused  nearly  all  our  insolvents  to  resort  to 
that  inglorious  method  of  paying  their  debts.  Nearly 
every  one  of  them  could  have  paid  all  his  debts  with 
ease,  if  he  had  been  sober  and  steady.  Nearly  all  the 
had  debts  on  the  books  of  our  merchants,  mechanics  and 
men  of  business  have  accrued  in  consequence  of  intem¬ 
perance. 

A  True  Patriot. 

A  man  in  Waldo  county,  Me.  who,  for  twenty  years, 
by  the  advice  of  his  physician,  had  used  ardent  spirits 
for  some  “  bodily  infirmity ,”  was  at  a  temperance  meet¬ 
ing,  and  concluded  to  sign  the  Pledge.  When  he  was 
about  to  do  so,  the  Doctor  started  up  and  said,  “  Uncle 
Ward,  if  you  sign  that  Pledge,  you  will  die.”  He 
calmly  replied  that  he  had  been  a  soldier  of  the  Revolu¬ 
tion,  and  thought  he  was  willing  to  die  for  his  country. 
He  signed  the  Pledge,  and  in  one  fortnight  after,  his 
bodily  infirmity  entirely  left  him. 

The  Young  Man  who  just  Dropt  In. 

“  Here,  George,  take  this  account  to  Mr.  Jones  and 
request  him  to  let  me  have  the  money,  as  I  have  a 
heavy  note  to  pay.” 

Thus  spake  a  very  clever  dealer  in  dry  goods  of  limited 
means  to  his  clerk,  a  young  man  of  active  business 
habits,  one  morning.  The  employer  was  warmly  at¬ 
tached  to  his  clerk,  notwithstanding  that  he  had  been 
compelled  to  lecture  him  several  times  of  late  for  certain 
irregularities  which  are  too  often  looked  over  lightly,  as 
“  natural  in  young  men.” 

George  took  the  account  and  waited  on  Mr.  Jones, 
who  promptly  planked  down  the  amount,  $460.  On  his 
way  back,  George  had  occasion  to  pass  in  the  vicinity 
of  “The  Wrong  House,”  and  as  it  was  about  11 
o’clock,  he  thought  he  “  would  just  step  round  to  see 
who  was  there.”  In  more  common  parlance  he  was 


54 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


“  Why,  hallo,  George  !”  shouted  a  half  dozen  voices, 
“  Who’d  a’thought  of  seeing  you  !”  Nothing  would  do 
but  George  must  take  a  seat  at  the  table  where  a  number  of 
u  nice  young  men”  were  enjoying  themselves,  and  u  drink” 
with  them.  Each  treated  in  his  turn.  Time  passed. 

“  Glasses  all  round  again  !”  said  one. 

“  Agreed  !”  cried  several — and  “  all  round  again  it 
was !”  All  the  party  but  one  became,  first  jolly,  and 
then  “  uproarious.” 

The  party  was  composed  of  several  fools  and  one 
knave.  The  latter  by  practising  deception,  kept  sober. 
It  may  not  be  generally  known,  that  “  genteel  pick¬ 
pockets”  are  often  lurking  around  u  genteel  grog  shops” 
— but  so  it  is — and  by  4  o’clock  George  was  gently  re¬ 
lieved  of  his  $460. 

The  merchant  knew  Mr.  Jones  too  well,  to  doubt  the 
prompt  settlement  of  his  account,  under  the  circumstan- 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


55 


ces ;  he  went  out  therefore  shortly  after  George,  and 
was  detained  until  half  past  2  o’clock.  When  he  returned, 
the  first  inquiry  was  for  George — but  no  one  had  seen 
him.  A  message  was  sent  to  the  store  of  Mr.  Jones. 

“  He  was  here  about  half  past  10  o’clock,  and  I  paid 
him  the  money,”  said  Mr.  Jones.  The  anxiety  of  the 
employer  was  intense — and  the  note  was  protested. 

Late  in  the  afternoon,  George  got  into  a  fight  with  one 
of  his  bottle  companions.  His  clothes  were  torn  and 
his  person  bruised.  He  at  length  became  so  noisy  and 
abusive,  as  materially  to  interfere  with  the  u  respecta¬ 
ble  and  legal  business”  of  the  landlord,  and  George 
was  peremptorily  ordered  to  quit  the  premises.  At  this 
he  demurred.  The  landlord  took  him  by  the  collar  and 
kicked  him  out  into  the  “  pelting  of  the  pitiless  storm.” 
Poor  George  !  Truly  he  had 


t 


56 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


He  wandered  into  a  neighboring  groggery,  where 
after  drinking  “  another  round”  he  slept  until  late  at 
night,  when  he  was  again  put  into  the  street.  The 
watchman  took  him  in  possession,  and  he  was  lodged 
safely  in  the  station  house. 

On  the  next  morning,  the  first  thing  he  thought  of 
was  his  employer’s  money !  Who  can  describe  his 
feelings,  when  he  discovered  his  situation  !  He  was 
A  ruined  man  !  The  story  was  told  his  employer,  and 
believed,  but  he  was  discharged  in  disgrace  ! 

How  many  there  are  just  like  George  !  They  sneer 
at  the  idea  of  signing  the  pledge — until,  through  the  in¬ 
fluence  of  drink  or  drinking  associates,  they  make  one 
false  step  which  blasts  all  their  earthly  prospects  !  We 
hope  our  story  will  have  the  effect  of  inducing  some 
young  man  to  think  on  this  subject,  and  avoid  the  error 
which  is  yearly  destroying  thousands  in  our  very  midst. 


Tlie  Miami  Chief. 

The  celebrated  Miami  chief,  Little  Turtle,  said, 
“  When  a  white  man  trading  in  our  country  meets  an 
Indian,  he  asks  him  the  first  time,  4  Take  a  drink  ;’  he 
says  4  No  f  he  asks  a  second  time,  4  Take  a  drink 
*  No  f  he  asks  the  third  time,  4  Take  a  drink,  no  hurt 
you  ?  he  takes  a  little,  then  he  wants  more,  and  then 
more  ; — then  the  trader  tells  him  he  must  buy.  He  then 
offers  his  gun — the  white  man  takes  it — next  his  skins — 
white  man  takes  them — he  at  last  offers  his  shirt — the 
white  man  takes  it. — When  he  gets  sober,  he  begins  to 
enquire,  4  Where  is  my  gun  V  he  is  told,  4  You  sold  it 
for  whiskey.’  4  Where  is  my  shirt  V  4  You  sold  it  for 
whiskey.’  Now,  my  white  brothers,  imagine  to  your¬ 
selves  the  deplorable  situation  of  that  man,  who  has  a 
wife  and  children  at  home  dependent  on  him  in  a  starv¬ 
ing  condition,  when  he  himself  is  without  a  shirt !” 


Poor  Fellow. 

Joe  Snooks  being  censured  by  his  sister  for  getting 
boozy,  said  he  thought  it  44  quite  bad  enough  to  be  a 
drunkard,  without  the  misery  of  being  scolded  about  it.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


57 


Man  as  He  made  Himself. 

u  Do  look  at  that  man,”  said  Kate.  tc  How  funny  be 
acts !  what  queer  faces  he  makes — how  he  tosses  his 
arms  about !  I  shall  die  of  laughing  !” 

“  I  could  laugh,”  replied  her  friend,  “  if  his  grotesque 
postures  and  foolish  gibbering  proceeded  merely  from  a 
love  of  fun  ;  but  the  man  is  intoxicated.  He  has  ‘  put 
an  enemy  into  his  mouth  to  steal  away  his  brains.’  He 
is  acting  under  the  influence  of  liquor ;  hence  his  con¬ 
tortions  and  grimaces.  He  has  been  standing  at  the  bar 
of  the  store  out  of  which  he  just  now  came,  long  enough 
to  lose  his  reason  entirely.  He  has  probably  spent  more 
money  there  already  this  morning,  than  would  have 
supplied  the  necessities  of  his  family  for  the  day.  Un¬ 
happy  man  !  We  pity  those  who  by  the  sad  visitation 
of  Providence,  are  bereft  of  reason ;  we  commiserate 
those  who  come  into  the  world  without  the  priceless 
gift  of  intellect;  we  feel  for  them  and  think  not  of 
making  mirth  out  of  their  singular  demeanor;  but  the 
man  who  throws  away  his  reason,  his  respectability,  his 
health,  at  a  dram  shop — can  we  pity  him  ?•  Oh  yes : 
we  can  pity  his  folly,  his  sin.  We  pity ;  but  our  pity 
is  unmingled  with  the  respect  which  we  feel  for  others, 
stricken,  but  not  by  their  own  act.  That  man  is  a  dis¬ 
grace  to  himself,  and  he  who  pursues  a  business  to 
make  him  so,  is  a  disgrace  to  his  race.  We  turn  away 
from  so  disgusting  a  spectacle.  We  cannot  bear  to  see 
man  thus  c  deface  the  image  of  his  Maker.’  ” 


Keep  Your  Distance* 

A  clever  sailor  has  lately  joined  the  Sons  of  Temper¬ 
ance  in  Philadelphia,  after  running  a  course  of  dissipa¬ 
tion  by  which  his  means  were  pretty  well  exhausted. 
At  the  time  of  signing  the  pledge  he  was  indebted  to  the 
rumseller  one  shilling.  A  few  days  ago  he  went  to  pay 
off  the  score,  but  being  determined  not  to  enter  the 
house  in  which  he  had  been  robbed,  he  got  a  long  pole, 
attached  the  piece  of  money  to  the  end  of  it,  and  stand¬ 
ing  at  the  outside  of  the  door,  reached  it  to  the  aston¬ 
ished  publican,  and  marched  off  with  a  jolly  heart. 


58 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


A  Pitiful  Appeal* 


In  the  Police  Court,  an  intelligent  looking  man  was 
brought  up  as  a  common  drunkard,  an’d  sentenced  to 
three  month’s  imprisonment  in  the  House  of  Cor¬ 
rection.  A  tidy  and  pretty  young  woman,  with  a 
beautiful  child  of  a  year  or  eighteen  months  old,  in 
her  arms,  who  had  been  anxiously  watching  the  pro¬ 
ceedings  as  sentence  was  pronounced,  stepped  up  to 
the  stand  and  shrieked, — 

“  Oh,  Judge !  Who  is  to  take  care  of  me  and  the 
baby 

“  Take  those  people  away,”  said  the  clerk,  and  they 
left  the  room — the  father  gazing  mournfully  at  his 
laughing  little  one — and  the  mother  sobbing  as  though 
her  heart  would  break. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


59 


The  man  is  a  competent  mechanic,  and  but  for  his 
intemperance  might  support  his  interesting  family  in  com¬ 
fort  and  happiness.  Such  is  the  fruit  of  moderate  drink¬ 
ing.  Such  are  the  scene's  produced  by  liquor  dealing. 
Young  man,  touch  not  the  cup  !  Liquor  dealer,  never 
again  put  the  bottle  to  thy  neightfor’s  lips. 


Temperance  by  Mistake. 

A  friend  has  related  to  us  the  following  curious  in¬ 
stance  of  a  man  who  became  a  teetotaller  by  mistake  : 
Capt.  Thompson,  who  has  long  kept  the  Hotel  in  West 
Bloomfield,  N.  Y.,  has  been  in  the  habit  for  some  time 
of  taking  a  dram  before  breakfast.  A  few  weeks  since, 
he  ate  his  breakfast  without  his  usual  dram,  having  en¬ 
tirely  forgotten  it !  He  was  surprised  to  find  that  he 
felt  about  as  well  without,  as  with  it.  He  repeated  the 
experiment  several  mornings  in  succession,  not  omitting 
to  forget  it  during  the  day  also ,  and  could  discover  a  de¬ 
cided  improvement  in  his  feelings.  The  Captain  at  once 
concluded  to  become  a  teetotaller,  and  suiting  the  action 
to  the  word,  immediately  turned  his  vile  trash  in  the 
street,  and  now  keeps  a  thorough  going  Temperance 
House  !  We  wish  the  Captain  might  have  many  imita¬ 
tors  in  this  want  of  memory ,  which  has  resulted  in  such 
happy  consequences. 


Legerdemain. 

How  TO  GET  A  WHOLE  SUIT  OF  CLOTHES  INTO  A 
Junk  Bottle. — Every  time  you  feel  like  taking  a  horn , 
drop  the  price  of  a  nipper  into  the  bottle,  and  drink  a 
glass  of  pure  cold  water.  Repeat  this  until  the  bottle  is 
full,  then  break  it,  and  carry  the  contents  to  a  good  tee¬ 
total  tailor,  and  within  a  week  you  will  find  yourself 
encased  in  a  new  suit  of  clothes  without  any  expense  or 
trouble  to  yourself.  The  same  trick  can  be  done  with 
hats,  boots,  &c.  We  have  known  a  cart-load  of 
wood,  and  a  barrel  of  flour  to  be  hocus  pocussed  in  that 
way. 


60 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


An  Old  Man  Eloquent. 

The  Rev.  Benjamin  Hervey,  whose  lengthened  span 
of  life  has  now  reached  the  remarkable  period  of  one 
hundred  and  eleven  years,  has  lately  interested  a  num¬ 
ber  of  large  audiences  at  different  temperance  halls  in 
this  city.  The  old  man  is  indeed  an  eloquent  advo¬ 
cate  of  our  cause  ;  not  in  flowery  phrase  and  flowing 
rhetoric,  for  in  language  he  is  necessarily  ancient ,  and 
ungifted  at  his  time  of  life ;  but  in  a  living  exhibition 
of  the  truth  itself,  in  a  living  demonstration  of  the 
nature  of  temperance  principles,  and  the  virtue  of 
temperance  practices.  He  stated  at  the  Marshall  Society, 
that  he  never  knew  the  taste  of  alcohol  until  the  time  of 
the  American  Revolution,  at  which  time  he  must  have 
been  about  forty  years  of  age.  41  Temperance  in  all 
things,”  has  been  the  practical  rule  of  his  life,  and  total 
abstinence  from  all  intoxicating  poisons,  has  charac¬ 
terised  nearly  all  of  his  earthly  pilgrimage.  For  seventy 
years  he  has  been  engaged  as  a  clergyman,  endeavoring 
to  direct  the  thoughts  and  affections  of  his  fellow-beings 
to  a  higher  and  better  destiny ;  his  vocation  has  natu¬ 
rally  tended  to  subdue  the  violence  of  the  baser  passions 
of  our  common  nature,  and  develop  the  best  feelings  of 
the  human  soul ;  reason  and  moral  sentiment  have  long 
held  the  ascendancy  over  the  more  excitable,  and  hence, 
more  exhausting  animal  passions,  and  the  result  of  all 
this  has  been  seen  in  that,  “  his  days  have  been  long  in 
the  land.”  Let  the  young,  the  thoughtless,  the  dissipa¬ 
ted,  the  luxurious,  look  upon  the  old  man,  and  learn  a 
lesson  of  unspeakable  importance  )  learn  that  abstinence 
from  intoxicating  excitants,  simplicity  of  life,  well- 
regulated  habits,  a  cheerful  disposition,  and  a  quiet 
conscience,  give  vigorous  youth,  lengthened  years, 
uninterrupted  health,  a  green  old  age,  and  a  natural 
death. 


Intemperance  builds  watch  houses,  court  houses,  jails, 
penitentiaries,  and  scaffolds — and  may  be  truly  called  a 
parent  of  crime. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


61 


Guardian  Angels. 


An  unknown  man  was  found  at  midnight,  dead  drunk, 
among  some  casks  on  the  pier  foot  of  Peck  Slip,  and 
lying  upon  his  body  were  three  little  girls.  The 
children  had  found  their  father  in  this  sad  plight,  and  in¬ 
stead  of  leaving  him  to  his  fate,  were  watching  over 
him,  weeping  as  if  their  little  hearts  were  broken,  and 
shivering  under  the  influence  of  cold  night  wind.  When 
the  motherless  children  were  discovered,  the  youngest 
was  in  a  deep  sleep,  with  its  soft  pale  cheek  lying  on 
the  bloated  breast  of  its  father. 


Men  and  Monkey. 

Mr.  Pollard,  in  one  of  his  addresses,  in  the  city  of 
Schenectady  related  the  following  fact :  “  In  the  days  of 
my  drunkenness,”  said  he,  “  we  frequently  went  out  of 
Baltimore  a  little,  and  spent  the  day  at  a  tavern  in 
drinking  and  fun.  One  of  our  number  had  a  well  taught 
and  obedient  monkey,  he  called  Jack.  On  one  of  these 
drunken  sprees,  Jack  was  of  the  party.  Seeing  his 
master  and  all  around  him  drinking,  the  monkey  watched 
his  opportunity  and  took  a  part  of  a  glass  of  brandy 


62 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


toddy,  which  one  of  their  number  had  set  on  the  table,  and 
drank  it.  Its  effects  were  soon  visible.  Every  manner 
of  antic  Jack  performed  to  the  great  amusement  of  his  com¬ 
panions, ,  who  were  drunker  than  he.  So  gratified  were 
they  with  the  results  of  the  monkey’s  4  first  debauch,’ 
that  they  agreed  to  assemble  at  the  same  place  the  next  day, 
with  Jack,  and  after  making  him  tipsy ,  spend  the  whole 
of  it  in  drinking  and  laughing  at  the  poor  brute. 

44  Accordingly  the  next  morning,  the  owner  of  Jack 
was  called  on,  and  he  ordered  out  of  his  house  for  the 
cruel  purpose.  And  though  he  came  in  obedience  to 
the  call,  it  was  with  a  slow  pace  and  sorry  countenance, 
and  three  legs,  with  the  fourth  on  his  head,  as  much  as 
to  say  4  what  a  headache !’  In  consequence  of  his 
sickness,  the  party  put  off  their  amusement  for  a  few 
days,  until  his  vivacity  and  health  should  be  restored. 

44  Shortly  after  they  took  Jack  and  repaired  to  the 
tavern,  in  the  country.  After  drinking  a  little  while  one 
said,  4  bar-keeper,  make  Jack  a  glass  of  brandy  toddy.’ 
As  soon  as  the  monkey  heard  it  he  made  for  the  door, 
and  though  ordered  by  his  master  to  come  to  him,  he  ran 
away  the  faster  and  ascended  the  piazza  and  climbed  to 
the  top  of  the  house.  His  master  ordered  him  down ; 
then  shook  a  whip  at  him  and  threatened  him  severely ; 
but  to  no  purpose.  Knowing  his  great  fear  of  a  gun, 
one  was  pointed  at  him  and  he  was  ordered  to  come 
down.  He  disappeared  on  the  other  side  of  the  roof. 
One  of  the  party  pointed  another  gun  at  him  from  that 
side  and  threatened  to  shoot  him  if  he  did  not  come 
down.  He  took  shelter  out  of  their  sight  at  the  end  of 
the  chimney.  A  thiid  gun  was  pointed  at  him  from  that 
direction, — he  was  again  ordered  to  come  down.  Jack 
feared  nothing  so  much  as  alcohol,  and  as  a  final  resort, 
sprang  into  the  chimney  and  held  himself  up  by  his 
paws.  Thus  they  were  compelled  to  abandon  their 
cruel  purpose. 

44  The  master  of  Jack  soon  died  a  drunkard  ;  but  the 
monkey  lived  for  years,  to  a  good  old  age,  and  could 
never  again  be  prevailed  upon  to  drink  a  drop  of  any  in* 
toxicating  liquor.” 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


63 


The  Old  Lady’s  Turkies. 

An  old  lady,  resident  of  a  neighboring  place,  kept  a 
large  family  of  turkies,  perhaps  sixty.  She,  like  a  great 
many  other  people,  thought  a  good  deal  of  her  turkies, 
and  valued  them  very  highly.  Opposite  her  door  was  a 
“  West  India  Goods  Store.”  The  man  who  kept  it,  one 
day  emptied  his  casks  of  cherries,  intending  to  replace 
with  new.  This  old  lady  being  economical,  thought  it 
a  great  pity  to  have  all  those  cherries  wasted,  and  in 
order  to  have  them  saved,  she  would  just  drive  over  her 
turkies  and  let  them  eat  them.  In  the  course  of  the  day 
the  old  lady  thought  she  would  look  over  and  see  that 
they  were  in  no  mischief.  She  approached  the  yard, 
and  lo  !  in  one  corner  lay  her  turkies,  in  a  huge  pile, 
dead.  What  was  to  be  done  % — Surely  the  old  matron 
could  not  lose  the  feathers.  She  called  her  daughters 
and  picked  them,  intending  to  have  them  buried  in  the 
morning.  Morning  came  and  behold  there  were  her  tur¬ 
kies  stalking  about  the  yard,  featherless  enough,  as  may 
be  supposed,  crying  out  “  quit,  quit,”  feeling,  no  doubt, 
mortified  that  their  drunken  fit  had  been  the  means  of 
losing  their  coats. — Poor  things,  if  they  had  not  begun 
they  would  not  have  been  in  this  sad  fix. 

We  would  advise  all  young  men  who  are  in  the  habit 
of  drinking,  to  leave  off  before  they  get  picked ;  and  to 
those  who  do  not,  we  advise  every  young  lady  to  say 
u  quit.” 


Proper  Resentment. 

An  old  gentlemnn  who  was  in  the  habit  of  cultivating 
his  temper  with  foaming  ale  was  going  down  his  cellar 
stairs  with  a  lamp  and  an  old  brown  pitcher,  on  a  frosty 
evening,  and  his  feet  slipping  from  the  first  step,  he  was 
precipitated  to  the  bottom  !  His  wife,  a  nice  old  lady, 
hearing  the  noise,  ran  to  the  cellar  door  and  called  out, 
M  Why,  husband  !  have  you  broke  your  pitcher 
“  No  1  haint  yet,”  replied  the  old  man,  “  but  I’ll  do 
it  now,”  and  immediately  smashed  the  pitcher  against 
the  cellar  wall. 


64 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


An  Old  Man’s  Reasoning. 

An  old  farmer,  between  sixty  and  seventy  years  of 
age,  residing  in  Connecticut,  related  to  us  not  long  since 
the  history  of  his  becoming  a  teetotaler,  and  as  it  is  some¬ 
what  out  of  the  ordinary  course,  and  conveys  an  excel¬ 
lent  moral  as  well  as  example,  we  give  it,  in  nearly  his 
own  words.  It  seems  he  had  been  in  the  habit  for  many 
years  of  taking  his  glass  of  brandy  toddy  before  dinner. 
Some  temperance  lecturers  passing  through  the  village, 
stopped  and  delivered  several  addresses  on  the  subject, 
creating  much  excitement,  so  that  a  large  number  signed 
the  pledge. 

“  Well,”  to  use  the  old  gentleman’s  words,  “  I  really 
did  not  know  what  to  think  of  the  matter.  I  went  to 
hear  them  several  times,  but  could  not  determine  on  the 
course  I  should  adopt.  One  day,  while  at  the  closet, 
just  before  dinner,  and  in  the  act  of  pouring  out  the 
liquor  and  putting  in  the  fixins ,  my  two  little  ones,  a 
hoy  and  girl  three  or  four  years  of  age,  cartte  running  up 
to  me  crying,  ‘  Drink,  father,  drink  !’  I  drank  a  portion 
of  the  liquor  and  then  handed  it  to  them  to  taste.  To 
my  great  surprise,  with  a  convulsive  effort  they  pushed 
it  away  from  their  lips  with  every  expression  of  disgust 
depicted  on  their  young  faces. — Reason  and  nature  were 
triumphant; — and  then  it  was  that  I  was  convinced  of 
my  duty  ;  for  I  thought  to  myself,  if  these  little  children 
will  not  partake  of  it,  surely  nature  never  intended  it  to 
he  drank.  So  forcibly  was  1  impressed  with  the  truth 
and  importance  of  the  conviction,  that  I  threw  the  re¬ 
maining  contents  of  the  glass  away,  and  went  immedi¬ 
ately  and  signed  the  pledge — and  from  that  day  to  this, 
a  period  of  thirteen  years,  1  have  never  tasted  a  drop  of 
intoxicating  liquor.” 


The  business  of  liquor  dealing  kindles  strife,  en¬ 
courages  profanity,  excites  every  evil  passion,  destroys 
all  salutary  fears,  removes  every  restraint,  and  pro¬ 
duces  a  recklessness  that  regards  neither  God  nor 
man. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


65 


Not  a  Drop  More. 

In  a  small  village  in  the  southern  section  of  our  State, 
resides  a  certain  Major,  who  keeps  a  small,  cosey,  com¬ 
fortable  inn,  famous  for  its  sweetened  drinks,  as  well  as 
its  jovial  landlord  ;  and  few  of  the  surrounding  farmers 
Visit  the  neighborhood  without  giving  the  Major  a 
friendly  call  to  taste  his  “  mixtur.”  The  gay  host,  with 
jolly  phiz,  round  person,  bright  eye,  and  military  air, 
deals  out  the  rations  spiced  with  jokes,  which,  if  they 
are  not  funny,  are  at  least  laughed  at,  for  the  Major  en¬ 
joys  them  so  vastly  himself  that  his  auditors  are  forced 
to  laugh  out  of  pure  sympathy. 

A  good  couple,  who  resided  about  six  miles  from  the 
Major’s,  for  a  long  period  had  been  in  the  habit  of  visit¬ 
ing  him  once  a  month,  and  as  regularly  went  home 
dreadfully  sweetened  with  the  favorite  “  mixtur,”  but  of 
late,  we  learn  that  the  amicable  relations  existing  be¬ 
tween  the  Major  and  the  old  visiters  have  been  broken 
off.  On  the  last  visit,  good  cause  was  given  for  an  end 
being  put  to  any  more  “  sweet  drinking.” 

“  Uncle  Merrill,  how  are  you,  any  how  V1  was  the 
Major’s  greeting — “  and  I  declare  if  the  missis  aint  with 
you,  too,” — just  as  if  he  expected  she  wouldn’t  come. 
“  What’ll  you  take,  Missis  ?  Shall  I  sweeten  you  a 
little  of  about  the  best  rectified  that  ever  was  toted 
into  these  ’ere  parts  l — it  jest  looks  as  bright  as  your 
eyes !” — and  here  the  Major  winked  and  looked  so 
sweet,  that  there  was  no  resisting,  and  she  did  take  a 
little  sweetened. 

The  hours  flew  merrily  by,  and  evening  found  the  old 
couple  so  overloaded  with  “sweets,”  that  it  was  with 
great  difficulty  they  could  he  seated  on  the  old  grey 
mare  to  return  home  ;  but,  after  many  a  kind  shake  from 
the  host,  and  just  another  drop  of  his  sweetened,  off 
they  jogged,  see-sawing  from  side  to  side  on  the  critter, 
the  old  lady  muttering  her  happiness,  and  the  old  man 
too  full  to  find  words  to  express  himself. 

“  Sich  another  man  as  that  Major,”  said  the  dame, 
“  aint  nowhere — and  sich  a  mixtur  as  he  does  make,  is 
temptin’  to  temperance  lecturers.  He  is  an  amazin’  nice 


66 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


man.  If  anything,  he  sweetens  the  last  drop  better 
than  the  first.  Good  gracious !  what  a  pleasin'  creatur 
he  is !” 

Ever  and  anon,  the  encomiums  on  the  Major  and  his 
“mixtur”  brdik'6  forth  from  the  old  lady,  until  of  a 
sudden,  on  pa;s^ng  a  small  rivulet,  a  jolt  of  the  mare 
silenced  them,  and  the  old  man  rode  on  a  short  distance 
with  perfect  quietness.  At  length,  he  broke  out  with — 

“  Old  woman,  you  and  that  ’ere  Major’s  conduct,  to¬ 
day,  was  rayther  unbecoming  ;  his  formalities  was  too 
sweet  to  be  mistook,  and  you  aint  going  thar  agin  in  a 
hurry.” 

Silence  was  the  only  answer. 

“  Oh,  you’re  huffy,  are  you  ?”  continued  the  old  man. 
“Well,  I  guess  you  can  stay  so  till  you  give  in” — and  on 
he  jogged  in  a  silent  mood.  On  arriving  at  the  farm,  he 
called  to  a  servant  to  lift  the  old  woman  off,  but  Sam 
stood  gazing  at  him  in  silent  astonishment. 

“  Lift  her  off,  you  Sam — do  you  hear  I — and  do  it 
carefully,  or  some  of  her  wrath  ’ll  bile  out.  In  spite  of 
the  Major’s  sweetening,  she’s  as  mad  as  blazes  !” 

u  Why,  de  lor’,  massa,  de  ole  ’oman  aint  dar,”  replied 
Sam,  his  eyes  standing  out  of  his  countenance. — “  Jest 
turn  round,  massa,  and  satisfy  yoursef  dat  de  ole  ’oinan 
clar  gone  and  missin’ — de  loe 

And  sure  enough,  on  a  minute  examination  by  the  old 
man,  she  was  u  found  missing.”  The  Major  was 
charged  at  once  with  abduction,  instant  measures  were 
taken  for  pursuit,  and  a  party  despatched  to  scour  the 
road.  On  proceeding  about  two  miles  on  the  road  to 
the  Major’s,  the  party  were  suddenly  halted  at  the  small 
rivulet,  by  finding  the  missis  head  lying  partly  in  the 
stream,  its  waters  laving  her  lips,  and  softly  murmuring 
— “  Not  a  drop  more,  Major,  unless  it’s  sweetened.” 

Shortly  after  this,  a  temperance  meeting  was  held  in 
the  neigborhood,  and  among  the  first  who  signed  the 
pledge  were  the  couple  above  alluded  to.  Report  says 
that  according  to  present  indications,  the  demand  for  the 
Major’s  “  sweetened  mixtur”  bids  fair  to  be  wonder¬ 
fully  diminished. 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


67 


Wonderful  Reformation* 

• 

The  chaplain  of  a  benevolent  institution  in  Philadel¬ 
phia,  informed  a  gentleman  (on  whom  it  is  thought  we 
can  rely)  during  a  recent  visit  to  that  city,  that  about  a 
year  ago,  in  the  performance  of  his  duty,  he  called  at  the 
house  of  a  stranger ;  on  entering  he  saw  a  young  man, 
and  in  one  corner  of  the  room  sat  an  old  shrivelled  up 
creature,  presenting  the  appearance  of  much  misery  and 
distress.  He  asked  the  young  man  who  it  was,  and  he 
replied  that  it  was  his  father.  He  commenced  a  conver¬ 
sation  with  the  old  man,  and  soon  ascertained  that  he 
was  a  man  of  very  intemperate  habits — he  was  97  years 
old,  and  had  been  a  drunkard  for  seventy-five  years ! 
After  a  little  conversation  he  got  from  him  a  promise  that 
he  would  stop  drinking,  and  left  him.  A  short  time  after¬ 
wards,  he  was  passing  that  way,  when  he  saw  the  old 
man  standing  in  the  door;  when  he  came  up  to  him  he 
exclaimed,  “  why,  is  this  you  “  Guess  it  is,”  sprightly 
replied  the  old  man.  “  and  I  hav’nt  drank  a  drop  since 
I  promised  you  I  wouldn’t.”  The  chaplain  was  electri¬ 
fied  at  the  change  which  had  been  effected  in  his  manner 
and  appearance.  He  invited  him  to  attend  church,  and 
the  old  man  did  so ;  a  seat  was  prepared  for  him  near 
the  pulpit,  and  he  can  be  seen  there  regularly  during 
church  service.  The  chaplain  can  scarcely  refrain  from 
referring  to  this  case  in  most  every  sermon  he  preaches — 
and  whenever  the  possibility  of  the  drunkard  being  re¬ 
formed  is  questioned  in  his  presence,  the  old  gentleman 
says,  with  much  warmth  “  Look  at  me — Fve  been  a 
drunkard  for  seventy  five  years  /” 

If  two,  three  or  four  slices  of  bread  satisfy  a  man’s 
appetite  to-day,  so  they  will  to-morrow;  and  so  it  is 
with  healthful  drinks.  Not  so,  however,  with  intoxica¬ 
ting  liquors — a  man  who  drinks  a  glass  a  day  now,  will 
soon  want  two,  and  so  the  appetite  increases  until  it 
becomes  insatiable. 

The  traffic  in  alcoholic  liquors  is  wrong,  and  no  law 
can  make  it  right. 


68 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


The  First  and  Last  Visit  at  the  Dram  Shop. 

Timothy  Truesdell  is  the  name  we  shall  sign  to  a  very 
worthy,  thriving  and  industrious  mechanic  of  New  York, 
who  was  a  burthen  to  himself,  a  curse  to  his  family,  and 
a  nuisance  to  society  at  large — in  short,  one  of  the  most 
shameless  and  abandoned  drunkards  that  ever  took  mea¬ 
sure  of  an  unmade  grave  in  a  Gotham  gutter.  He  was 
not  weaned  from  his  degrading  propensity  by  the  Tem¬ 
perance  or  the  Tract  or  any  other  society.  Their  logic 
was  labor  lost  on  Tim,  who  would  have  uncorked  the 
bottle  amidst  the  quakings  and  thunders  of  Mount  Sinai, 
and  drained  it  by  the  crater  of  exploding  Vesuvius.  It 
was  woman’s  love  that  cured  him,  and  all  women  may 
get  a  just  idea  of  their  own  importance  in  society  from 
this  story. 

Though  he  had  a  wife  and  beautiful  children,  Tim 
seemed  too  unconscious  of  the  fact.  He  neglected  his 
work,  squandered  his  earnings,  wThich  daily  grew  smaller 
and  smaller,  and  spent  his  time  at  the  porter-house,  till 
the  high  prostration  of  his  faculties,  or  the  distasteful 
words,  uNo  more  trust!”  warned  him  to  seek  the 
shelter  of  his  wife’s  care  and  protection.  His  children 
could  not  go  to  school,  because  learning  was  dear  and 
rum  cheap ;  and  the  landlord  dunned  for  the  rent,  and 
Mrs.  Truesdell  was  obliged  to  keep  the  house,  because 
she  had  no  dress  fit  to  appear  abroad  in,  having  pawned 
the  last  for  a  fine  imposed  on  her  spouse  by  the  Police 
Court.  Misery  under  destitution  and  famine,  stared  the 
family  in  the  face.  It  is  impossible  to  exaggerate  the 
picture,  even  had  we  the  room  and  the  inclination. 

Mrs.  T.  was  the  heroine,  but  not  of  romance.  She 
loved  her  worthless  husband,  and  had  borne  his  neglect, 
the  tears  of  his  children,  the  gripe  of  famine,  and  the 
.railing  of  the  drunkard  without  repining.  Never  had 
her  exertions  slackened,  never  had  a  harsh  word  passed 
her  lips.  At  night,  Avhen  she  put  her  children  to  sleep, 
she  wept  and  watched  his  coming,  and  w7hen  he  did 
come,  drunk,  as  usual,  she  undressed  and  assisted  him  to 
bed  without  a  murmur  or  reproach.  At  last,  her 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


69 


courage  well  nigh  exhausted,  she  resolved  upon  one  last 
desperate  effort. 

At  night,  having  disposed  of  her  thre£  eldest  children, 
she  took  her  two  youngest  by  the  hand,  and  bent  her 
steps  to  the  groggery  her  husband  was  accustomed  to 
frequent.  She  looked  into  the  window,  and  ♦there  he  sat, 
in  the  midst  of  his  boon  companions,  with  his  pipe  in  his 
mouth  and  his  glass  in  his  hand.  He  was  evidently  ex¬ 
cited,  though  not  yet  drun^.  Great  was  the  astonish¬ 
ment  of  that  company,  and  enormous  Mr.  Truesdell’s 
dismay  and  confusion,  when  his  wife,  pale  as  marble, 
and  leading  two  tattered  and  barefooted  babies,  stepping 
up  to  the  bar,  called*  for  three  glasses  of  brandy  toddy, 
and  then  sat  down  by  his  si4e. 

“  What  the  devil  brings  you  here,  Mary  said  he 
morosely. 

“  It  is  very  lonesome  at  home,  and  your  business  sel¬ 
dom  allows  you  to  be  there,”  replied  the  wife.  “  There 
is  no  company  like  yours,  and  ajTyou  cannot  come  to 
me  I  must  come  to  you.  I  have  a  right  to  share  your 
pleasure  as  well  as  your  sorrows.”  A 

“  But  to  come  to  such  a  place  us  this !”  expostulated 
Tim.  i 

u  No  place  can  be  improper  here  my  husband  is, 
said  poor  Mary.  “  Whom  God  li  ath  put  together  let  no 
man  put  asunder  !”  She  took  up*  the  glass  of  alftphol. 

“  Surely,  you  are  not  going  t|j  drink  that  1”  he  ex¬ 
claimed  in  huge  astonishment. 

“  Why  not  'l  you  say  that  you 
and  if  brandy  has  that  effect,  I  amj 
has  so  good  an  excuse  for  drinkin 
not  eaten  a  mouthful  to-day,  and 
to  support  my  strength.” 


drink  to  forget  sorrow, 
sure  no  living  creature 
,  as  I.  Besides  1  have 
’  really  need  something 


;  Woman  ! 


you  are 


not  going  to  give  the 
a  Tim  as  she  handed 


children  such  stuff  as  that  1”  crie^d  Tim,  as  she 
each  of  the  children  a  glass  of  lief 
“  Why  not  ?  can  children  hav 
their  father’s  ?  Is  not  what  is 
them  also  ?  It  will  put  them  to 
get  they  are  cold  and  hungry. 


I  a  better  example  than 
rood  for  him  good  for 
Jeep,  and  they  will  for- 
Drink,  my  children,  this 


70 


TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTES. 


is  fire  and  bed,  and  food  and  clothing.  Drink — you  can 
see  how  much  good  it  does  your  father.” 

With  seeming  reluctance,  Mary  suffers  her  husband 
to  lead  her  home,  and  that  night  he  prayed  long  and  fer¬ 
vently,  which  he  had  not  done  for  years. 

The  next  evening,  as  he  was  returning  homeward  with 
a  steady  step,  he  saw  his  oldest  boy  run  into  the  house, 
and  heard  him  exclaim,  “  0  mother  !  here  comes  father, 
and  he  is  not  drunk  !”  Tears  coursed  down  the  peni¬ 
tent’s  cheek,  and  from  that  hour  he  has  not  tasted  strong 
drink.  He  had  never  been  vicious  or  unfeeling,  and  as 
soon  as  his  emancipation  from  the  thraldom  of  a  debasing 
appetite  became  known,  friends,  employment,  and  pros¬ 
perity  returned  to  him.  As  for  Mrs.  Truesdell,  she  is 
the  happiest  of  women,  and  never  thinks  without  pride 
of  her  first  and  last  visit  to  the  dram-shop. 


Two  In  a  Bed. 


Two  young  men,  “  with  a  humming  in  their  heads,” 
retired  late  at  night  to  their  room  in  a  crowded  ,inn,  in 
whjch,  as  they  enteret, ,  were  revealed  two  beds,  but  the 
wipd  extinguishing  the  light,  they  both,  instead  of 
taking,  as  they  suppos  ed,  a  bed  apiece,  got  back  to  back 
“toon*;  which  began  to  sink  under  them,  and  came 
aroun^at  intervals  iii  a  manner  very  circumambient, 
ut  quite  impossible!  of  explication.  Presently,  one 
observed  to  the  other  • 

f  say,  Tom.  Rnmoi#)0^y?s  |n  bed” 

he  other  so /thf.re  is  in  mine. 


say,  Tom,  some 
“  Is  there  !”  said 
Let’s  kick  ’em  out !” 


- -  said  his 

i-Tfny.nmn  has  kickei 
Their..* “relative  p, 
next.morning. 


Water  < 
health.  * 


\ 


The  next  remark  wf  isV“Tom,  I’ve  kicked  my  man* 
overboard.”  1  •  * 

^  Good!”  said  his  I  fijflQw-toper,  .“better  luck  than 
■TO£.but — right  on  the  floor!”  • 


sitions”  were  not  apparent  until 


is  nature’s*  Atonic,  and  necessary  for  good 


